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Parallax - Advice            May 15, 2000



   She dropped him cold...

Dear Conversely, Ask us a Question!

My girlfriend broke up with me and I have no idea why. We've only been dating for a few months but I have really strong feelings for her. She told me she loves me and we were very happy together. Then out of the blue she tells me that she doesn't want to go out with me anymore. First of all, I was completely shocked that we were having that conversation at all. I thought we were doing great. When I asked her why and what was going on she told me that she didn't feel like her feelings were strong enough for a several-month relationship. She felt like she should have felt something more but didn't. I have no idea where this came from. And she couldn't even name something specific, just 'I think my feelings should be stronger.' She told me we could just be friends. I'm heartbroken and I want her back. What do I do? I just want things to go back to the way they were. I understand if she doesn't want to get married or anything, but why break up? Maybe she just had a bad week or something. Can you help?

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Her view:

Dear Heartbroken,

It sounds like this one is out of your hands. I think you have to face the fact that these things happen. I know it hurts and kills you to think it's over, but I believe in this case her heart probably isn't in it. There is nothing she can point to that's upsetting her and can be fixed. No bad behavior for which an apology is in order. She's basically said 'I just don't love you.' And if that is so, then you should go find someone who does.

It's hard, but I think you have to respect her decision and walk away. And don't sit at home and mope. Spend time with friends, get a new hobby... anything to keep you distracted from thinking about her. Give it a little healing time and before you know it you'll meet someone new who strikes your fancy.

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His view:

Dear Heartbroken,

Had a bad week? You must be joking. You really believe she missed a deadline, tore her panty-hose, got her period, and then decided she'd wrap up a nasty week by dumping you? To me her announcement sounds first-degree premeditated. At least she spared you the 'it's not you, it's me' drivel.

And there will be no going back to 'the way it was.' Her decision, and the way she bailed on you with little explanation, change everything. You will always wear the scar, you will never feel secure again with her, and you can't make her recover the strong feelings she never even had.

I think you shouldn't be so eager to get back with her anyway. Consider that she doesn't care for you enough to give you a good explanation. Consider that all this time she had these feelings and didn't say anything. Consider that she probably moved on weeks ago, that she's out there playing Frisbee and shopping and maybe seeing someone else. Consider the way in which she handed your heart to you in a take-home doggy bag.

Your options are simple. Torture yourself trying to get her back, or forget her and move on (or, don't forget her, but please move on).

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