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Parallax - Advice            June 19, 2000



   To have, or not to have - She wants kids, he doesn't

Dear Conversely, Ask us a Question!

I really like this guy I'm dating but there's one big thing that I worry about. I want to have kids, two or three, but he says he doesn't want children. First I thought he was joking but we've talked a few more times and he's very serious. It's not like we're getting married soon or anything, but I just wonder if I'm wasting my time with this guy, if he doesn't want the family that I do. Do you think he'll come around?

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Her view:

Dear Family Gal,

No darlin', I think that's a deal-breaker. I think many couples go through this hoping they'll sort it out later. And sure, sometimes people do realize late in life that in fact they would like some kidos. But you can't rely on him coming around - it will only stress the relationship and make you both miserable. Furthermore, do you really want the father of your children to be coerced into having them?

You should either decide that you are using this guy for sex or get out of the relationship. I vote for the latter. If you actually like him, the 'using for sex' thing never works and you'll only end up suffering a long torturous break up which you saw coming all along.

So turn him loose and do it sooner than later. When you're happy with your new boyfriend who'd love to have kids some day, you'll be glad you swiftly moved on.

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His view:

Dear Family Gal,

I think he will come around. But I don't necessarily think that you want to wait for him even if he does.

I don't know anyone who doesn't want children, male or female. Sure, there are some people who are romantic about it - why bring a child into this God-awful world? - but they usually change their minds over time.

However, if his reasons are more than just youthful idealism, think about what these reasons say about his personal views, his priorities. Do you agree with them? And even if he eventually changed his mind, do you want him to be a parent to your kids, based on what you know about him?

On the other hand, if you're not in a rush to procreate, staying with him shouldn't feel like a waste of time. Just like I doubt he feels like he's wasting his time because he's dating a woman who wants to have the kids that he doesn't.

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