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           June 26, 2000

   Boyfriend invites her to group sex

Dear Conversely,

My boyfriend comes up with some crazy things, but this last one was a bit too much, to put it mildly. He invited me to have group sex. He said two friends of his, a couple, want to have sex with us. He says he's never done it before, and it would just be a new experience and he doesn't want to regret not trying it. He says it's an advantage I barely know these people, since I won't have to see them ever again if I hate it. He thinks I'll not hate it so much. He has insisted so much that I almost think I'll do it just to shut him up. But I can't, though I almost think I should. Is it worth trying?

Dear Groupie,

No, not if you don't want to. In the first place, you should never do something just to shut someone up. That's a terrible reason. Just tell him no, but you'll remember the offer should you be interested in reconsidering. If he pushes the issue I'd remain staunch.

If he gets very annoying about it and starts to pressure you I'd take some time off and move into a break - or go for a complete break-up - as that would just be really shameful behavior on his part. Undue pressure would also indicate a lack of affection for you, since he wouldn't be putting your feelings before his own.

Another option is to tell him that maybe the two of you are not working out so well since you cannot agree on some simple basics. Perhaps he'd like some time away to find himself. You could also take advantage of some time to think about whether or not this is the dream guy you were thinking he was. You know, he might not be.

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Dear Groupie,

I think it comes down to your relationship with your boyfriend and how this might affect it. If you are not very secure yet, if the relationship is in its early stages, I think there is a greater risk of repercussions that could damage the two of you. On the other hand, if you don't care about him so much, the risk may be less worrisome.

One way to help you decide would be to talk it out step by step with boyfriend. Find out exactly what group sex means to him - and likewise what it means to you. What will you feel when your man is having sex with the other woman right in front of you? Can you picture that one and feel comfortable with it?

After that, if you're still interested, go out with the other couple on a benign double date. And talk about it with them. What is group sex for them, and why do they like it? If you can't have this group conversation, you might have some trouble going through with the orgy...

In the end, it sounds to me like you are seriously considering this. If you can keep it on a strictly sexual level, there's a better chance it won't affect the rest of your relationship. But that's easier said than done.

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