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Parallax - Advice            July 10, 2000



   She wanted slow, now she wants fast - but he doesn't

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Me and this guy have been interested and going out casually for a little over a month now. He wanted to move faster affectionately (not sexually) than I. I have recently started to become more affectionate, but within the last week he decided that maybe I was right, and we should take things slow with no expectations or intimacy. So, last Friday he went to my birthday party and I didn't kiss him goodbye (even though I wanted to). Although I did sit on his lap, he scratched my back, we held hands a little, I hugged him a lot, we got along great, he gave me some presents, etc...

I called him that weekend and he supposedly had other plans. I called him Monday and left a flirtatious message and asked him if he wanted to do something. No returned call, and it's now Thursday. Perhaps, even though he said we should take things slow, maybe for some reason he wanted me to kiss him, or maybe he's upset at something totally unrelated, or maybe he's busy. Either way, I'm thinking about giving it one more go and calling him this weekend to ask him to do something with me. I'm wondering how I should ask him (if I talk to him or if I have to leave a message). Guys, how can a girl who you were discouraged about suddenly get your attention when she calls you to ask you out... how would she have to ask you to get you to go out, to get your attention....?

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Her view:

Dear Affectionate,

Hmmm, tough problem. Maybe he's a little bitter and is giving you some space he feels you deserve. If he still likes you, he'll come around. I would make your feelings clear - maybe you somehow indicated to him that you weren't interested in his request for a slow down. I would court him a little longer. Call him a couple more times to do things and see if you can coax him along. If he doesn't bite you might ask the question - 'Hey, is anything wrong?'

I'd try to reach him at a time when you think he'll be home so that you get to talk with him live and feel out what's really going on. If you can't, I'd still leave a message and try to get together - it can't hurt. This can only go on so long though - eventually a girl gives up and goes out with someone who is available to be around and do things. But do give it a shot - he might just be feeling a little shunned.

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His view:

Dear Affectionate,

There are two things happening here. First, he decided to take things more slowly. Just because you suddenly changed your mind and now want to go faster doesn't mean that he's going to go along with you. Second, you started playing a game - even if it wasn't your intention to do so - and he's now on defense and wary, unlikely to take chances.

If he hasn't called back it's not because he's busy, or because he has no manners, or because he has temporarily forgotten how to use the phone. He's sending you a very clear signal: he'll call when and if he's interested.

The best chance of getting his attention is to stop calling entirely. But you may already have called him back. If you did, I hope you came out straight. I hope you told him that you have changed your mind about 'going slow' and that you wish you had kissed him the other night. I hope you made it clear that you want to go out with him now, because that's the only way he's going to venture in your direction again. Remember, as long as you keep playing smoke signals, he's bound to misinterpret them.

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