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           August 7, 2000

   Hopelessly naive people

Sometimes we get questions here at Conversely where the answers are so obvious that, well... But, we also believe there is something fascinating about hopelessly naive people, and - even if they are pulling our little legs - we think they merit a response. This week our downright-genius SHE-HE advice duo also considers the plight of a man whose ex won't pay her debts, and a lady trying to decipher the hot-and-cold personality of her out-of-state ex-boyfriend.

Dear Conversely,

I have a huge crush on this woman at work which would be fine except that I'm married. I don't know what to do. I think she likes me too. Our interactions are getting more and more flirtatious. I feel like we're on the cusp of something happening and I can't stop it. I don't want to stop it. I feel like I've been waiting for this opportunity with her for so long. I'm sure within a couple of weeks we'll both work late one day - and that will be it - no stopping it. She's married too. It would just be an office fling I'm sure. I know it's bad, but is it really that bad? I mean if nobody finds out nobody will really get hurt and we'll just get it out of our system. Maybe we'll both be better off - and my obsession will be over?

Dear Office Lover,

Yes it is really that bad, and nobody will be better off. It's disgraceful that you even bring it up. Hello?! You have a wife. How would she feel reading this if she knew it was you? Do you want to hurt her that way? Trust me, an office fling is NOT worth it. You will ruin your marriage. Maybe, just maybe, nobody finds out (though someone always does), but something in your marriage will change. You may never discuss it outright or be able to put a finger on it - but something will always be wrong. It will be the first step toward a spiral of multifaceted deceit, betrayal, and distance.

If nothing will stop you then this rhetoric is moot. But if you want to stop it and can't, do something extreme. Quit your job if you have to. Or talk to this woman and tell her it can never happen - tell her you are a disease risk, or anything to end the possibility.

While I truly believe all of what I'm writing and would love to steer you away, I know exactly what you'll do - I'm sorry.

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Dear Office Lover,

Oh, wow, my colleague is going to flip out over this one; she'll call in the devil herself as a witness to keep you out of trouble.

Well, it's a good thing you have one of those (it appears) disposable marriages that weren't built to last anyway. They are so very hard to come by! It would be a shame to sleep with the same person forever when you have so many flat surfaces in that office begging to serve as your love burrow.

It's good also that you don't subscribe to the notion of long-term commitment, and that you don't really believe in those vows you made back when you stepped up to the altar. Your notion about the meaninglessness of promises will be quite useful, so too the insignificant value of your word.

I'm sure there's no need to consult the wife since you both understand the flexible conditions of your union and you're just as comfortable with her sleeping-around as she is with yours.

The only thing I worry about is your intended love-mate. Is she as well prepared as you are? Though she needn't be. Maybe she's just getting back at her own philandering husband before she files for her divorce. Isn't it nice you don't have to worry about such complications?

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42% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 58% with HIS VIEW.

43% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 57% with HIS VIEW.

Do you agree more with HER VIEW or HIS?

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