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Parallax - Advice            August 28, 2000

   He sees signs everywhere that she's cheating

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I think my girlfriend is cheating. There are all the 'tell-tale' signs. She's nervous when I ask her where she's been. She turns her mobile phone off for hours. I'm not allowed to have a key to her house. I want to get married. She says she'll marry me but she thinks it's too soon and we should talk about it in a year.

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Her view:

Dear Perceptive,

You're probably being a little paranoid. I think the cheating accusation is certainly a leap from what you describe. To me it sounds more like she's looking for some space. Of course she could just be spending time with her other boyfriend, but my guess is you're smothering her a bit and she's not ready for the big commitment.

Have a talk with her. Ask her if everything is alright between the two of you. Ask her if she feels like she needs some time to herself. Ask her where she believes things are going. These are all fair queries, but phrase them as open questions. If you're still not satisfied on the cheating front - ask her if she's interested in anyone else - but definitely do not accuse her of cheating. If you're straightforward with her, maybe she'll react in kind.

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His view:

Dear Perceptive,

I don't believe in miracle answers and unexplained mysteries. If all the 'tell-tale' signs are there, then she is likely cheating.

That said, you do sound pretty obsessed to me. You sound like you might benefit from a few days off in the country, communing with nature or whatever else gets you going.

Give her some room to dwell on her sins. Don't call or visit. Turn off your mobile phone. Then go back and see if all the signs are still there. Maybe you'll find the new man has already moved into her place. Or maybe you'll see things are not as they seemed.

Oh, and by the way, you don't sound quite ready for marriage. Something about missing trust...

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You Vote! 18% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 82% with HIS VIEW.

14% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 86% with HIS VIEW.

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