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           November 6, 2000

  One is a Lonely Number

Joan Baez said, 'The easiest kind of relationship is with ten thousand people - the hardest is with one.' This week we meet three people who affirm that message. There's a '40-something' who says her boyfriend should concentrate less on business and more on her; a man who keeps returning to a violent relationship; and a woman who wants to see at least a little remorse. Read on, as our perceptive pair answers the challenge.

Dear Conversely,

I truly love my boyfriend, but he is so busy with his own life that I'm feeling very insecure. I miss romance, and I think he is taking me for granted. Maybe he needs a jolt to make him notice me. Maybe he needs to get a little jealous and worry about losing me. We are both forty-seven years old, so we are not kids.

Dear Insecure,

What you have here is an asymmetry in this relationship. That is, you focus mostly on him, while he focuses mostly on himself. I can offer a couple of options. Making him jealous and all of this other nonsense is certainly open to you. However, one - it is ephemeral, and two - it is manipulative…so that is not so nice. Instead, you can just tell him how you feel. This is an annoying cliché, and will, in fact, get you nowhere.

So here is what I suggest - make him less of a priority in your life. Do not rely on him for all of your fun. Adopt hobbies, interests, sports, and new friends. Use the time he spends at work to create some fun outlets for you. Be your own girl - get out there and stop sulking about how he focuses too little on you. Focus on yourself - you might find it opens up a whole host of possibilities.

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Dear Insecure,

OK, this guy is probably taking you as a given, but I don't believe romance is the issue here. However, I don't think your boyfriend needs anything. You are the one who needs to fix your insecurity.

Let's look at your boyfriend. He's forty-seven, happy at work, happy with you, and his life is pretty much in order. He is mature - he feels no need to play games.

You want to jolt him, right? Insecure people often cheat - to get attention and to make the other person jealous. Then the cheating ruins the relationship. You say you want romance? If you cheat, you'll get everything but.

Figure out your insecurity. My guess is that you are too dependent on him. Balance out your life so that he's only a part of it - not all of it. Once you stop clinging to him like Velcro, he'll stop taking you for granted.

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