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Parallax - Advice            November 13, 2000

  He's head over heels...

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I've been kind of seeing this girl on and off for the last year or so. We've had a lot of ups and downs during this time. It seems that every time we start to get close and things are going well she does something to stop it cold. Last week was one of the times it was getting good. Then out of the blue she goes on a date with another guy. I know she likes me because she's told me so. My question? What is her deal and what should I do? I really like this girl, and I've never felt like this before, but she keeps treating me like dirt. Can you please help me figure this out?

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Her view:

Dear Down-and-dirty,

'Dirt,' you say? Well, I think you'll find my answer pretty predictable. Start seeing other girls. If she is seeing other people, you should not be focusing your world on her. Moreover, a year is enough to know if you want an exclusive relationship with someone. It is true she is treating you badly, but you are allowing it. People who do not love each other revert to what they can get away with. She doesn't love you - just in case you haven't made that leap.

But love sometimes takes a while, and you'd like to wait it out. That's all fine, but dirt is not acceptable. I know you like her, but you'll never get her this way - this kind of behavior inspired the saying 'Nice guys finish last.' Meeting her every whim and fancy - and allowing her to run around with other guys while you pour your heart out - will only get you one thing…dumped. So take the bull by the horns, be strong, get some more girls in your mix, and see if you can make it work with said girl on a casual level. Then give it a little time. If she doesn't come around, she won't.

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His view:

Dear Down-and-dirty,

This is what happens to most guys when they 'have never felt like this before.' They lose perspective, self-respect, and any previously held powers of reasoning.

My colleague will probably offer you some insight into the devastating behavior of this petulant girl. I doubt, however, that hypothesizing over the motives for her sudden temperature changes will do you any good.

I myself went through a small episode of the same treatment a couple of years ago, though for other causes. I kept thinking of all the possible reasons on Earth why she would string me along and treat me like dirt until I realized that it didn't matter because I was so obsessed with her. I would rather feel like dirt than give up on her.

I finally moved on one day when I got tired of waiting around. Boredom will cure almost any obsession. Be patient, your day will come.

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