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Parallax - Advice            November 20, 2000



  When should she make a move?

Dear Conversely, Ask us a Question!

I went on three or four dates with a guy I really like, and after the last date he just drove me home. I was kind of bummed because there was no kiss or anything.

I think he likes me, and I'm pretty attractive to most guys, so I'm thinking he's really shy. Next thing, I'm out the door and I cab it over to his condo and just buzz him. By this point it's almost three A.M. and I'm sure he's asleep. Anyway, he invites me up although he was pretty freaked out. He shows me his place (which I hadn't seen before) and when we get to the bedroom I'm sure he's going to make a move, but he doesn't, and I get cold feet. I mean, he knew I was there for only one reason, right? Then he says that he's tired and offers to drive me home. He does, and now I feel so, so stupid. I've never done anything so impulsive before but I figure, damn I'm thirty-two, why not?

Now I think he thinks I'm a slut, or worse. Have I ruined it with this guy? By the way, he's not gay - I know his ex.

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Her view:

Dear Wrong Move,

He can always be gay, but that's not our working hypothesis here. Did you ever consider that this guy might need to be cultivated, and not just shown the bedroom door? I think we've established what is on your mind, but most people don't just hop in the sack. It will take a while to develop a bit of a relationship before he will lunge for your privates.

No, I don't think you've ruined the relationship, but he has been clear that he would like to slow down a little and get to know you better. So why don't you back off and give him some time to develop his thoughts about you. Then, if he's interested, he'll make his move.

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His view:

Dear Wrong Move,

I don't think you ruined it with this guy because there was nothing to ruin in the first place. Mr. Shy may be shy, but I think he also decided (at some point) that you and he weren't going to work out. He enjoys seeing you as a friend - maybe flirting a little - but no serious intentions.

Most guys spend their lives dreaming in futility about the night when an attractive woman will ring the bell at three A.M. with one thing on her mind. I'm sure he was probably kicking himself later on that he didn't go for it.

But that is what happens to nice, decent guys. Even if they later regret it, they can't help but do the right thing. When you came up to his place, he decided it would be less painful to turn down sex, than to have to explain later on that he wasn't interested in you after all.

This man decided not to take advantage of you. From where I stand, it's better to feel stupid (which is natural, given your antics) than to feel used.

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