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   Faithful newlywed?
Dear Conversely,
My husband and I got married two weeks ago. The other night he got really drunk and had sex with another woman. He told me right away, and he feels really, really bad. I want to work things out, but I don't know how to stop thinking about it. My imagination just runs wild - I'm driving myself crazy because we had the best relationship in the world. Now everybody around us is in total shock. What should I do? Please help me.
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Dear Cheated,
Wow, two weeks - that sets some sort of record. The good news is: he told you. The bad news is: you need to decide if you can live with him, now that you know. If you had the 'best relationship' and this was one stupid transgression, I think you can forgive and forget.
Everyone makes mistakes, even really big ones. I know it's tough, but it sounds like you love each other a lot. Let's say he had a day of total stupidity. Let it go, and try to work it out. If you really love each other you can overcome this - but only once. The issue (as I see it) will be if it surfaces again. In that case you'll have a major philanderer on your hands, and that behavior certainly can't continue. If you see this again, get out in a hurry.
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Dear Cheated,
You could 'forgive' him and move on, but who will that fool? You won't really forgive him, and you may even encourage him to trip up again.
There's no getting around it - your hubby is a gem. First, he manages to disavow his vows in less than a month. Then he tries to make it seem not so bad, by coming clean. Perhaps he learned from presidential mistakes.
Even if he does feel 'really, really bad,' his reaction appears to be panicky, rather than heart-felt. Deep remorse takes time to build up. If you breeze over this issue, he might think that it wasn't such a big deal after all.
I think the key here is reasonable penance. Perhaps a temporary separation will help him think through his actions, and give you time to let the up-down reactions filter through your system.
After a few weeks, if you still want to work things out, give him an opportunity to beg for forgiveness. By that point you'll be better able to judge whether he truly regrets his actions, or whether he regrets ever telling you about them.
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December 11, 2000
33% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 67% with HIS VIEW.