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Parallax - Advice            January 8, 2001



  She's missing him

Dear Conversely, Ask us a Question!

I was dating this very handsome, bright, and kind guy for over three months, and we had incredible chemistry. I'm forty-one, so I've been around a bit - and I know when it's there and when it's not. I was always very nice, kind, admiring, generous and available to him, but in spite of our connections, he was distant. We saw each other once every two weeks, and it seemed to be a major production for him to come see me. Then he had to leave in a hurry - there was always a mystery surrounding our meetings. I thought he was just the careful kind...or that he was dating others...or still attached to his ex-wife of twelve years. So I finally decided to ask him why he was so distant.

He admitted he was dating someone else, and that she was married. I didn't react with anger; I just said it reflected he wasn't emotionally available. I won't go into more details, but I decided not to see him anymore, and wrote him a letter saying so.

Now I find myself in a pit of dark despair, wondering if I did the right thing. I'm very picky when it comes to men, and it's not easy to find someone I 'click' with. He's insecure, and I know I won't be receiving a call from him. He must be feeling rejected and not sure what to do from here. I know he liked me, but he's still possibly confused with his life situation. I'm devastated. Did I do the right thing? Was I too hasty? I'm truly at a loss.

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Her view:

Dear Devastated,

You did the right thing. You are in despair because you're lonely. You've just come out of a relationship, and you crave having a guy around…a boyfriend…a somebody…the way he was with you. You've done the right thing.

This man is not available. He is seeing someone else. Even if she's married (and I won't delve into thoughts on that), he is seeing someone else, period! Unless you want to date around and see ten guys - with him comprising one of your repertoire - I suggest you move on. So you're picky. Everyone is, and everyone also thinks they're choosy.

This relationship can only cause you further pain. Let him get himself together. It sounds like he's got a lot going on, and that could take a while. It's not healthy for you to wait around in heartache while he reassembles his emotional life. Spend a little introspective time, yap it up with the girls and then move on to new suitor. You'll be fine. He is not the greatest guy you'll ever meet, and he certainly doesn't sound all that devoted to you.

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His view:

Dear Devastated,

Stop deluding yourself. I don't see anything confusing about his 'life situation.' The only confusion here stems from his inability to handle multiple girlfriends at the same time. Usually, when a guy decides to date more than one woman at the same time, he juggles them delicately enough so that no one feels slighted or neglected. It appears you are dealing with an amateur.

The silver lining is that you now know more about his multiplicity, and you can do something about it - which you have done. I think your letter was a good tactic. Don't lose confidence and backtrack now. Let him come back to you, if he really cares. And don't cut him slack for being insecure. The moment you begin to think 'this guy is as good as it gets,' you're fried.

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