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Dear Conversely,
About a month ago my boyfriend broke up with me. I really fell for this guy, and it's been a hard breakup, because we had a fantastic sex life, but he is in the process of putting his life together, and we had a number of seemingly unsolvable problems. He was still close to his ex and even though he swore he'd never cheat on me I know he cheated on her, which made me a little suspicious (I was cheated on in my previous relationship and I was afraid he might do it to me). A few weeks ago we indulged in some post-breakup action, and now there's talk of another post breakup sex-capade. I'm a little leery because I'd like to have sex with him, but I'm afraid of being used. I also feel that what we're doing is what I feared he and his ex were doing throughout our relationship. A sexual relationship would work out better, but most people are telling me that this is not a good idea. He said that one day he'd like to get back with me, and that he's still in love with me...but he needs to break up completely to take care of his personal life. I don't know whether or not to believe him, even though he claims that he wants no one else. I feel like a nut. He's confusing me and I want closure. I feel like I'm turning into a sex object. Please tell me what you think because I'm not sure what to do about this. I bet it even confuses you!!!!
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Dear Leery,
Okay girlie, here's what doesn't gel - 'I really fell for this guy' - and - 'I'm afraid I'm being used.' Can you see the disconnection? If you can agree with yourself that you will only use your ex for sex (no more and no less), then have at it. Have a ball. But here's the glitch - you admit that you love him, you want a relationship with him - a future, and everything that goes with it. Well, you can't have those items, and sleeping with him will only make you want them more.
Do not believe that breaking up will be better for both of you - it won't. It will be better for him and you'll both get to sleep around - that's the sum of it. It's not very complex. And you're not a nut - you are in love and he is torturing you. Let the sex go, and let him go (you think he's a big cheater anyway - that won't work in marriage). I'm sure the sex is great and I know you love him, so it's hard to resist. But the answer here is very clear - 'buh-bye.'
Get your closure and get a new guy. You will be unhappy for some time and nothing anyone says will spare you that, but life goes on…and it will for you. Besides, he's not your guy. If the sex wasn't so great, would you love him this much?
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Dear Leery,
I hope you are not waiting for this guy to come in one day and precisely lay down the terms of your mutual understanding. If you are, then I suggest you entertain yourself by reading the Encyclopedia Britannica, from A to Z.
Your boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, lover, sex-toy - whatever he is - is probably just as confused as you are about the whole thing (though I imagine he doesn't spend quite as much time analyzing it).
Don't look to him for a solution. If you really want closure then stop seeing him, talking to him, and obsessing about him. Stop immediately and entirely.
Can't do it, eh? Okay, then face it. You're hooked on sex with him. Why get so hung up about it? Why worry so much about him saying, 'I love you?' Get over it. And don't become all sorry for yourself and say you're being used as a sex object and so on - you can't be used if you are perfectly aware of what's going on.
Sorry, but this is what happens when you get involved with other people. It turns complicated. Don't want to get hurt? Look around. Go on a few dates. Keep your options open.
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January 29, 2001
71% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 29% with HIS VIEW.