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Dear Ringless,
Sounds tough. I admire your persistence. It's a very hard thing to be with someone who tells you 'but I don't want a serious relationship,' especially if you love them.
I'm sure my esteemed colleague will tell you to hang around indefinitely and give him time to find himself. I don't agree. I think you should have a clear conversation with him. Tell him you're stuck - you have these tremendous feelings, but he holds back the relationship. Tell him you recognize he has some things to sort out and (because you care enough) you'll allow him that time. Then set a time period that's reasonable. If by that point he has still reached no conclusion, it's time for you to move on. You'll have to decide how much time is appropriate, but don't leave it open-ended.
And if you need to move on, go quickly. Don't turn the whole affair into a painful evolution - make a swift break.
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Dear Ringless,
It sometimes gets to me, when a otherwise perfectly sane person says, 'this emotional roller coaster is really hard for me,' but they still can't figure out what to do. I guess you just need someone else to spell it out.
About four months ago, your boyfriend and you moved into the very fancy 'Limbo Hotel.' Ever since, he seems to be 'vacillating' (i.e., enjoying himself) while your state of mind barrels through some pretty convoluted and over-analyzed non-commitment theories.
Clearly this transition period has not worked and it is time to try something new. I suggest you check out of the 'Limbo Hotel' and find another man to keep you busy for a few weeks, while your ex sorts out his true feelings for you.
Who knows if this will work, but you can at least try. At this point, you don't appear to have much to lose.
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January 29, 2001
24% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 76% with HIS VIEW.
