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Parallax - Advice            February 12, 2001



  One night of bliss?

Dear Conversely, Ask us a Question!

I'm a thirty-two-year-old woman who's been dating a thirty-seven-year-old guy for the past six weeks. We had several dates and then we went out on New Years Eve. Up to then we hadn't been intimate, although he had stayed overnight at my place a few times and we fooled around. But on New Year's Day I asked, 'Why are we still clothed?' He said that he was respecting me. When I asked if he would respect me less if we were naked, he said, 'No.' So we did the deed. Now he's acting all strange with me. He said it was the best New Year he ever had, but I feel he's giving me the cold shoulder. Did I do something wrong?

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Her view:

Dear One-night,

Tough to know - unfortunately, it could be the old cliché. If that's the case, it takes two, so he should just grow up. Why don't you give him a little brush-off? After all, it's annoying to be given the cold shoulder after a little romp - particularly if you're forming some sort of relationship.

Maybe this isn't a relationship you want to be in - he sounds like a bit of a jerk. It could have been too much for him, and maybe it was premature. But he should come out and tell you that because no one has time for silly little games.

He should be excited to move into a new phase in your relationship. If not, then this may not be your dream relationship. Back off - why should you be the desperate one feeling badly? Maybe he should be embarrassed for letting you take advantage of him. Maybe he should be worried that you respect him a little less after seeing him naked.

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His view:

Dear One-night,

The worse case scenario is that your name just got added to this guy's trophy case, and he's now onto his next conquest. After all, it was New Year's Eve. What better way to bring in 2001? However, it's likely that the situation is more complicated.

Have you been calling him or insisting on seeing him since you first noticed his 'cold shoulder'? If so, I'm guessing he's worried about getting into a committed relationship with you - that's the reason he's been avoiding you. Many men think (often incorrectly) that women who sleep with them are after much more than just sex. Given this guy's reluctance to get naked with you, I'm guessing that was on his mind. If you pestered him since the deed was done, you probably only reaffirmed those fears.

At this time, your best remedy is to play it cool and wait for his callback - unless you want this guy badly. If so, try to talk to him and find out what's wrong. Coax the answer out of him, or at least test the commitment hypothesis.

P.S. You might like to read this related story.

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