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Parallax - Advice            February 26, 2001

  She's lost her sex drive...

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My husband and I have been married for twelve years. The last six have been physically tough on me...ending with a hysterectomy in March 2000. The problem is, I have NO sex drive. None, zip, zero, zilch!! I don't care if I ever have it again. My husband, on the other hand, WANTS sex, and it's creating major problems for us. He says he only wants to have sex if I really want to, but then he gets upset when I don't want to. What can we do? Any suggestions?

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Her view:

Dear Zip-Drive,

Sex is a major component of a relationship and the fact that you don't want any is certainly an impasse to what should be a very natural component of your marriage. Have you spoken to a doctor? Maybe your lacking libido is related to your hysterectomy. Perhaps there's some kind of medication that could get you back to normal - I'm sure it would be better for you to be interested, once again.

Barring a physical solution, you're kind of stuck to faking it or conceding to activities that focus solely on him. I'm not sure he'll go for that. It's probably difficult to be with someone when you know the other person doesn't really want to. If a doctor cannot help you gain back your interest, you may want to head off to a relationship counselor who can come up with some creative solutions. It's a significant issue that you should work hard to solve.

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His view:

Dear Zip-Drive,

You could try hiring a hypnotist to cure your husband of his pesky little sex drive, but it will probably be a hard sell. Average men can't just turn off the tiny voice in their head that tells them they need sex.

So, before requesting your hubby trade his business attire for a monk's habit, ask yourself this, 'Can I have sex, even if I don't feel like it?' If so, then a compromise can probably be worked out, where you agree to have sex occasionally. In return, he accepts a sparser sex life (though it sounds like the two of you are already there, so anything he gets will be an improvement).

The bottom line is, you can't just say, 'I don't really want to have sex,' and call that a solution. See another doctor. Try other kinds of sex - whatever - just show an interest in resolving the problem. It's not your fault, but not his either. Don't put the burden on him.

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