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Parallax - Advice            February 26, 2001

  He lost his head

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I've been in a relationship with a girl for ten months. At the beginning, I was very attracted to her, thinking she was the one. Over time, that perception (infatuation?) changed, but my mouth was faster than my perception and early on, I told her she was my soul mate. When I realized she might not be the one, I made ridiculous excuses to explain why we shouldn't be together. Finally, I came clean. Now she says I'm delusional to think I'll find my 'ideal' mate. This, of course, is causing stress because she's playing on my insecurity and has a cynical outlook on relationships. What should I do?

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Her view:

Dear Perceptive Guy,

Sounds like the relationship is over. You've already said, 'You're my soul mate - no, you're not.' What do you expect? More importantly, she isn't your soul mate, and you've said it out loud which means you're sure.

Why don't you just come clean and end things. It's not fair to her - you're just stringing along your non-soul mate, knowing you'll never be together in the long term. A relationship that has lasted close to a year would start both people thinking about the future. Ask yourself what you'd like out of this relationship, and how much she means to you. Then do the right thing. If she wants more than you, it's not fair for you to stay. She has a soul mate too, and it isn't you.

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His view:

Dear Perceptive Guy,

I think it's odd that she wants to change your mind. Perhaps she loves you too much, or she's even more insecure than you are. Perhaps she sees you as a catch she can't afford to let go.

Even odder is her approach to keeping you. Playing with someone's insecurities is not a very smart way to gain trust and acceptance. She may very well be right about the delusion of finding an 'ideal' mate, but even if she is, does that mean your only other choice is to stay with her?

I'd say, 'Move on.' However, if your mouth is faster than your perception, you may want to stick around until you're very sure you've got it right.

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