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Parallax - Advice            March 12, 2001

  Jealous breakup

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My girlfriend just broke up with me because I was very jealous and took her for granted. In the beginning we were friends, and I was there for her when she left her husband. She was very depressed, but I showed her that life could be beautiful. I was always there for her in every way. Later, we ended up getting together as a couple. Everything was going well until I started to act jealous. She said she could never go out because of commitments to her family and her daughter, which I didn't understand. Finally, a day before she left for a vacation, we had a huge argument. When she returned she phoned to say it was over. Five days later, I called and asked her to meet me. We met, but when I asked for her forgiveness and a chance at reconciliation, she refused. Should I let her go or should I fight to get her back? We were planning to get married - she's a great woman and mother. We get along very well when everything is okay, and now I want her to give me one more chance. What can I do?

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Her view:

Dear Chance,

Sometimes one has to let things go. It sounds like you had some great time together but things have not worked out and she is not yielding to your begging. I recommend leaving with some dignity. You may be able to give her a call in six months or so, and see if she regrets her decision. Right now her decision is clear - she has spoken. If you were having jealous fits, it's no wonder she left, as this makes for a very unattractive situation.

Girls like a little bit of jealousy to make sure they are still your center and that you notice a potential predator. But it sounds as though you went too far and she decided not to stand for it. My guess is you haven't changed all that much between your jealous fit and the time you've written your question, which means you would be back to your same old routine in no time.

How about spending some time working on your jealousy issues? Don't harangue her. One should always leave with grace, if possible. She may call you out of the blue someday, but in the meantime, spend time getting yourself healthy and ready for your next relationship (with her or someone else). It wouldn't be a bad idea to move on, so you can start seeing other women.

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His view:

Dear Chance,

Obviously, you fight to get her back.

But let's begin with a refresher on fighting. Fighting does not mean you call her up and ask for her forgiveness and another chance. That is called 'the easy way' and it rarely works. This woman will clearly require a more intensive, prolonged (and possibly expensive) fight.

This prospect shouldn't discourage you, even if the outcome is highly uncertain. I have a feeling her rejection is not only because of you and your jealousy. Her separation sounds recent and she could still have unresolved feelings for her ex. Then there's her daughter, who is probably requiring serious attention to mitigate the impact of the separation. She may be debating the merits of any relationship at this point - not just a relationship with you.

I do believe everyone should be given one last chance - but only one. Maybe she believes she already gave you that chance.

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