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           March 19, 2001

  Dating dos and don'ts

Dear Conversely,

Last weekend I was at a bar with a friend of mine. We're pretty good pals, we often go out and we've never argued or competed about women. That night we met this girl who was our age, very cute and interested in both of us. After a long time talking and drinking she went to the restroom. My friend asked me if I wanted to go after her, and I asked him the same. We both sort of wanted to. He wanted to do a rock, paper, scissors but I thought that was unfair to her. I said whoever wants her the most should pursue her. After a while I told him he should go after her because I got the impression she liked him more. Then I found out that all he did was take her home where they kissed on the couch. He doesn't want to call her or follow up. I keep thinking about this girl and wonder what I should do. Should I try to get her number and call her? What will she think - that my friend passed her on to me? Or will she care?

Dear Concerned,

She probably won't care. It was a casual fling. For all you know, she was hugely relieved to get him off of her couch. Wait a few weeks (I'd say about three), ask your friend if he minds (I'm sure he won't), and give her a call.

What's the worst that could happen? She could ask you if you kiss as well (or badly) as your friend. Who cares? It's most awkward for her. If she doesn't really care for him (after one night she probably doesn't) she may be open to dinner with you.

I'd suggest you treat things a little differently than your friend. Take time to get to know each other, and don't drive immediately to the make-out point. It sounds as though you like her enough to go through this decision-making. If you approach with friendship, she shouldn't feel offended.

By the way, girls hand off guys all the time and it's fine. So carpe diem - you like her. Just be graceful about your maneuvers.

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Dear Concerned,

I have two observations. One is that you may actually be more worried about what your friend will think if he finds out you're going after his 'crumbs.' There's a certain amount of understandable pride at stake, but if you like her enough, you'd be amazingly stupid not to pursue her because of this.

The other thought is that you are obviously making decisions based on your assumed understanding of what she is thinking. You barely know this woman. What makes you think you have any clue as to what goes on in her mind? 'Oh, God, she likes him more than me. Oh, she'll care that my friend passed her on to me. Oh, she'll know I'm a fool. Oh...'

You need a smarter strategy that that. Stop planning every move based on your mind reading and do what you want to do. Call her and ask for a date. I just hope she doesn't sit there and play eenie-meenie-mynie-mo before answering.

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