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Parallax - Advice            March 26, 2001



  Rule #1 - No cybersex with friends

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I've been chatting on the Internet with someone who knew of me (through family) and we talked for hours (almost every night - sometimes as long as eight hours). He was very keen to talk. I am married (he knows), while he is twenty-five and single. He said that I made him feel good, and opened up to me about his problems. It was mainly teasing (like lovers), laughing and talking everyday trivia and music. Then we got intimate and he backed off and didn't talk for about six weeks. He said he was very busy but enjoyed our talks a hell of a lot. He said he saved them and will never forget the time I was there for him. We're often on the same web site, so we're still able to chat but he never contacts me privately (only via email to send jokes). I've stopped too, as I don't want to pressure him. Do you think he may have lost respect for me because of the cyber-sex? All I want from him is friendship and not an affair (I know the cyber-sex was a mistake). He never opens up to me anymore or talks in great detail on his emails. The last time we chatted he was very keen for me to download a song - it was a ballad (some of words were 'thank you for this love you brought to my heart' and 'you always come to my soul' and 'sorry I've been distant and sorry if I've hurt you'). Could he be trying to tell me something?

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Her view:

Dear Mrs. Chatty,

Let's see. You had cyber-sex and he backed off. You are married and he knows this. Why yes, yes…I do believe there is a correlation here. Two things have caused the backoff. First, he really doesn't want a relationship with someone who is married (imagine?). Second, he doesn't want to be responsible for wrecking a marriage. Both good points, I must admit.

Okay, so now what does that mean for you? Obviously you'd like to get the most out of this little arrangement. So, cyber-cheating is out. How about that fun friendship you had going? How about the flirting and the late night chats and whatnot? Why should you be denied those? Well, it's very simple. You have crossed a boundary that, once crossed, changes the very fabric of the relationship…never to return to previous relationship state.

You have ventured into infidelity. Nobody likes to be there, least of all the cheating accomplice who is not married and can only get hurt by the girl who goes back to her husband after a little cyber-foray. Let's face it. You're off limits, even though you weren't planning to leave your husband for the cyber-sex guy (you were just having a little fun). Well, that could only go so far. Now it's reached its timely end. He is finished. He would like a real girlfriend and I'm sure he's on the hunt right now. Write him off - cyber-sex buddy has moved on.

Try the cyber-sex thing with your husband. Perhaps it will provide a little spark in your relationship.

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His view:

Dear Mrs. Chatty,

Of course he's telling you something - he telling you it's over.

I apologize for not being very understanding, but what the hell were you thinking? Isn't marriage complicated enough without you going off and hitting on some family friend on the Web? You haven't shown any common sense in this affair - at least he is finally wising up.

An affair with a married woman is one of the top ten things a twenty-five-year-old needs the least. He's in his prime, and though he may have gone a little batty, someone finally knocked some sense into him.

Don't read too much into his song dedications or his collection of your chats. He's only doing his best to let you down easy. He's not going to want friendship either. Are you kidding? At best he's afraid that your husband will find out…at worst, he's scared you'll never really settle for 'just friends.'

Face it: the difference between being on his jokes distribution list and completely out of his life is, well, virtually none.

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