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Parallax - Advice

April 16, 2001

Big girls don't cry

Dear Conversely,

Ask us a Question!I happen to be a large girl. I am not inactive: I swim regularly and eat healthier than many of my thinner mates. Are boys/men scared to date a large girl? I have a huge amount of male friends (they outnumber the females about three-to-one). One of them recently admitted that three months ago he had a 'thing' for me, but he didn't ask me out. His explanation was that he would be embarrassed to go out with a large woman. This got me thinking. I have no trouble 'pulling' in a club. I'm not 'dog ugly' and I'm not shallow or stupid (as far as I know). Why is it that boys find it so hard to approach me? They can't all be so immature as to be embarrassed about going out with me, can they? Email to a Friend

Her view:

Dear Big Girl,

Of course they can't! This boy does not represent the 'world of boys.' For whatever reasons people have, they don't like everybody. It is only a select few who will be drawn to any particular member of the opposite sex - with the exception of those who are hands-down gorgeous (the lucky few).

Your selection will be comprised of those who appreciate you for whatever features you have to offer. I'm sure you've noticed plenty of large people who have significant others. There is a market for large folks. In fact, there is a market for just about everyone.

Be yourself and don't fret about this - I'm sure you'll land an appropriate partner. You could be a little proactive and try to figure out who might be a good fit...or just wait it out. Eventually a partner will be identified for you.

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His view:

Dear Big Girl,

The problem lies (most probably) in your personality - not in your shape or size. The fact that you have so many male friends is important. It is likely these men see you as 'one of the guys' - a recognition that is primarily based on your way of thinking and acting, rather than the way you look.

I have several women friends who could be considered 'large girls' and all of them have great success in their dating lives. They are all very flirty - not in a crass manner, but in a friendly way that invites approach. Tall and short and thin and not-so-thin guys are always asking them out, with no embarrassment as far as I've seen. If your friend was embarrassed it was because of his personal lack-of-self-confidence reasons, and not some general rule you can apply to all guys.

Obviously there are men who prefer to not date big girls. Perhaps large is not their type or they prefer smaller girls (especially if they aren't Supermen). It's also true that some men have a stilted mental image of big leather-wearing girls with tattoos on their backs and a bike in the garage. Those men might be scared (literally) of large girls, but again, that doesn't make it a general rule.

I know you'll be tempted to listen to my cheeky colleague assuring you it's all the mens' fault, and advising you to kiss them 'buh-bye' or something like that. But, if you really want to make a change, ask yourself whether your personality could benefit from a woman's touch.

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