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Parallax - Advice

April 30, 2001

Moving Stories

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If love makes people happy, why are there so many unhappy people who claim they're in love? This week we meet a trio of women-in-love who seek moving advice. The first is considering a dumb move; the second feels slighted because she wasn't consulted on a move; and the third needs to move on! Can our persuasive pair assist with the excess baggage?

East Coast two-timer.
West Coast sucker.
 Date: 04/30/01

Autocratic fiancé?
What about democracy?
 Date: 04/30/01

She's got issues.
He's got running shoes.
 Date: 04/30/01

More from last week...

East Coast two-timer

Dear Conversely,

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I am thirty-three. Five months ago, I met a guy who's nine years my junior. We made an instant connection and fell in love on our first meeting. I don't click with many, but we did - even in temperament. We're both musicians and share the same passions, but we live on opposite coasts - I'm on the West and he's on the East. Soon after we met he asked if I'd consider moving to the East Coast, if things worked out. I was certainly willing because he was interested in marriage, children, being a father - all stuff some girls like to hear. The next month he came out for a visit and it was perfect. He even suggested we get married while he was here, but I'm no gullible fool! Then he abruptly left three days early - with no warning! Later he apologized profusely, saying he loved me and wanted to be with me, but he had some things to work out. A couple months went by before he again mentioned marriage and asked me to move to be with him. I visited him, but two days later I found out he had been sleeping with a girl he worked with. After a whole lot of begging, I agreed to be open to communication, but we're still not back together, even though I love him. He's working to get himself together and claims he 'came clean' with the other girl. He goes back and forth between saying things like, 'When the dust settles, you're the one I need...' and, 'I don't really know what to do with you…' Is this fool stringing me on or is he really trying to 'get himself together?' And is such a statement valid for men anyway?

Her view:

Dear Dusty,

Nope, not valid. This guy is a full-blown cheater, in case you've missed it. 'When the dust settles, you're the one I need?' That's just sad! Surely you see this.

He is sleeping with two girls and cannot decide. Do you really want to be one of them? Moreover, what's to say that after he chooses he won't go through the same process five years from now? Then, when the dust settles, he'll need some other girl.

Your boy may be too young for marriage and the like. If he is sleeping with two women now, I think marriage in the near future is really not for him.

You should bolt - this guy will only cause more trouble later. What happens when you settle into a boring five-year relationship? He'll be standing in dust wondering if he made the right choice.

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His view:

Dear Dusty,

Sorry, but the fact that you 'don't click with many' doesn't automatically exempt you - or anyone - from the gullible fool label.

This has to be one of the better 'he's a lying, cheating pig but I still love him' letters we've recently received. This guy is so good he's almost admirable. He has you (a perfectly intelligent and mature thirty-something) feeling empathy for him, after dragging you 3,000 miles to 'find out' about his other girl. He's not just stringing you along. He's got a full-on puppet show and you're not even the main attraction.

I hope you're not seriously considering moving to the East Coast with this buffoon. Forget the 'get himself together' charade. He is together. Right now he's at the top of his game. Remember, he's twenty-four - this is probably even fun for him.

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