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Parallax - Advice

April 30, 2001

She has issues

Dear Conversely,

Ask us a Question!My boyfriend and I broke up recently. We started as co-workers and friends, and I had been separated from my husband for about six months when we got serious. Seven months later he moved in. He stayed for six months before leaving, saying he needed his space. I love him very much and I know he loves me, but he hadn't had a girlfriend in four years and I had a lot of baggage and issues from my ten-year marriage. He just couldn't do it anymore. He called me a couple of weeks after to see how I was doing and I asked if he thought we could get back together in the future. He said he didn't know and only time would tell. Should I hope for a reconciliation or try to get him back? Or should I move on? Email to a Friend

Her view:

Dear Hopeful,

You should move on and put your life together. Issue-ridden is not a good way to go through life and it sounds like that's where you are. Why not focus on getting yourself back together? Reconnect with friends. Pick up hobbies. Be your own girl.

Reconciliation may come with time but I don't believe it will unless you are together and issue-free. The only way to do that is to move on. You may meet someone else during that time - if so, this point will be moot. Or you might get healthy and not feel this longing. Either way, they're better scenarios.

Stop focusing on men so much and worry about yourself for a while. If you're constantly wallowing in one thing or another you won't be attractive to anybody.

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His view:

Dear Hopeful,

Imagine going from not dating anyone in four years to moving in with a person who has just ended a ten-year marriage?

Not only is this man gone for good, he may not date again for another four years. There is no hope of reconciliation and you shouldn't worry about getting him back - don't dream the impossible dream. He said he needed space, but that was just his polite way of saying what you already suspect. Why kid yourself?

You shouldn't have allowed (or encouraged?) him to move in so soon, and you probably should have given yourself more time to deal with your baggage before you jumped into a new love affair.

Chalk this one up to inexperience in the post-separation relationship phase and get on with your life.

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