June 4, 2001

Graceful Exits

Pulitzer Prize-winning author Ellen Goodman once wrote, 'There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, or a relationship is over - and to let it go. It means leaving what's over without denying its value.' This week, three women ponder exits: one is well past the point of making anything graceful; one is knocking on the wrong door; and one doesn't need a way out. Our gurus of guidance knock three times.

Dear Conversely,

This guy I'm dating is in my face all the time -- non-stop, all day, 24/7. It's crazy and I've had enough. The problem is we've lived together for a while. I hate the idea of moving and I can't bring myself to ask him to move out. On top of that, I just got laid off a few weeks ago and I'm having a hard time finding a job, so now is not the best time for a move. I just can't deal with this guy anymore. I've told him to back off and give me space, but how can he, if we live together and I don't even have work to go to? Should I just dump him and still live in the same place with him? Or would that be worse?

Dear Clingfree,

That could be worse. Imagine if one of you starts dating - that could only lead to ugliness. Why don't you ask him to move out, and you can get a roommate? It sounds like this relationship will not go anywhere, anyway - not in its current state. You're all annoyed (for whatever reason) and are desperately craving space. He's always around, and it sounds like you don't even really like him anymore.

The fact that you have a convenient apartment situation should not compel you to keep a boyfriend you don't want. You will only end up unhappy and looking for an out. You'll start cheating, you'll get caught, and he'll be angry.

The whole thing is an unnecessary quagmire. Break up with him now and figure out what to do on the apartment. There is an economic solution - just get a little creative.

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Dear Clingfree,

This situation requires a drastic fix before you 'go postal.'

You should dump him. At first it will be tough to live together with your ex-boyfriend, but at least it may reduce some of the pressure.

When you dump him, explain the reasons to him. Tell him he's like the itch that never goes away. Describe how he's so overwhelming that you've considered never dating again, let alone living with someone. Give him a good understanding of the many ways in which he has redefined the word nag. Make it brutal and honest. Then, tell him he can stay for a while, but the love-fest has to stop.

As soon as you do so, start looking for a new place to live. You know, just in case he doesn't get the message and doesn't move himself out.

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57% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 43% with HIS VIEW.

70% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 30% with HIS VIEW.

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