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Parallax - Advice

August 6, 2001

Rewriting the vows

Dear Conversely,

Ask us a Question!If you can't find love, is it better to marry someone you like a lot? Or is it better to stay single, forever hoping to find the woman of your dreams? I just broke up with my girlfriend (who I never really loved) and I want to be in love. But I also want to have a family and a stable relationship. Is marriage without true love doomed? Or is it a feasible and logical thing that could work between two people who care about each other and respect each other? Email to a Friend

Her view:

Dear Doom,

Some folks in India might tell you that a happy stable relationship is all that's needed for a happy life and happy children…and they might be right - I don't know. As a foolish romantic, I of course would demand the love. Is that the right thing? I'm not sure - I might spend forever trying to find it.

Of course, nothing can replace the love factor. It's the best thing going, which is why it is such a quest for all of us. Give up on that quest, and life gets much easier - albeit less interesting.

I think it's a question of what you can live with. Will you be upset if you marry someone and you don't really love her? I think you probably would. Maybe you could keep up the front for a while but ultimately, I believe a loveless relationship is doomed to fail. On balance, I vote to hold out - at least for as long as possible. Maybe until you find her.

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His view:

Dear Doom,

You're kidding me. You want to have a stable relationship, a happy family, and be in love with your wife? If I weren't as idealistic as you, I'd call you naive.

One would like to listen to my colleague on these matters. She will tell you to not give up, to keep waiting and one day a girlie will show up and you'll fall in love and live happily forever.

But we know that fantasy never quite plays out. Fortunately, no one needs to be in love to get married, or to have a happy and long marriage. So if that's the way you decide to go, fine. If stability and family turn out to be more important to you than being in love, then maybe one day you can propose to a woman you don't love.

Just give her a clear understanding of the loveless terms of the proposal and make sure she's not in love with you, because that could really screw things up.

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You Vote! 64% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 36% with HIS VIEW.

67% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 33% with HIS VIEW.

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