September 17, 2001

Love Potions

This week we meet three women who could be happy, but they aren't. The first says her dull marriage has led to daydreams of trysts with a close friend; the second is young and engaged but tempted by a winking boss who likes her smile; and the third is wallowing in self-pity after a heartbreak. Do our love chefs have recipes for success?

Dear Conversely,

I dated my husband for nine years before I married him two years ago. I was so in love with everything about him. We were the best of friends, but now I feel our relationship and friendship has really dulled. We have had many talks about our relationship but nothing seems to work. On top of everything, I seem to be really attracted to our close friend, with whom I have had several temptations. I do not want to cheat but all I do is think about our friend and what it would be like to hold him. I feel really guilty because I know if my husband knew of my impure thoughts he would be greatly hurt. I feel like I'm falling out of love with my husband and in love with my friend (who, by the way, is interested in someone else). Am I just feeling this way because my relationship seems to be bad, or should I examine my feelings for my friend more closely?

Dear Dreaming,

You are feeling this way because it is always fun to look around, have a look-see, a scan, a foray… It's human nature and it's really quite fun. That being said, you really don't have major options here. You are, in fact, married and marriage over time tends to become routine, boring, stable, and dull. Many folks call that happy and settled. For many folks it is a source of great peace, comfort and love - a more family, settled lifestyle. Apparently for you, marriage has become a bit of an albatross and life with an albatross can certainly be no fun. Unfortunately, it is a bit late. You have committed, and walking away due to boredom hardly seems justified.

One other zinger in this equation is that your proposed paramour is interested in another - not you, that is. Do you plan to leave your husband for a spate of rejection? Oh, of course, you're thinking about cheating - that is much safer. That way, if your advances are shunned, you can always go back to stable, boring husband and feel wanted.

I think you know what you'll find in the cheating arena: I guess it could be fun sneaking around and having illicit trysts in secret places. Just be willing to give up everything you have now because it is likely that you will have to do that. And if you are willing...

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Dear Dreaming,

Marriage is not about love. Don't get confused.

If you don't love your husband anymore, but you care about him and still consider him the right life-partner, then you shouldn't begin contemplating drastic maneuvers - not just yet.

Examine your feelings for the friend. Is it endless love or a passing fancy? Examine your prospects with him. If he's interested in someone else, he may never go for a relationship with you. And if he did, he may only treat you as a fling.

Marriages are about endurance. The description of your problems doesn't make me think you're dealing with irreconcilable differences. Suck it up and fix it. Don't end a marriage because of love alone.

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