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Parallax - Advice

October 1, 2001

Worthy of pursuit?

Dear Conversely,

Ask us a Question!I meet this guy (really nice, but cocky) through a friend. One thing leads to another and we end up sleeping with each other. After that, I start having feelings for him even though I don't think I'll ever see him again. Two days later I see him, so I tell him how I feel and that the reason I'm telling him this is so it will be out in the open and I can brush it off and get over it. Now he finds reasons to come over to see his friend, whom I live with. This has been going on for about a month. When we're alone he is open about my feelings for him. He wants me to say I'm in love with him and all this bull. Don't get me wrong. I like him a lot, which I have told him, but love him I don't. He tries to make me jealous. He says things that make me think he feels the same way I do, but then he says things that make me think he is just trying to make me feel like a stupid person for liking him. He is playing games with me. I want to pursue this and see where it goes but I don't want to pursue something that is not there. I act as if I really don't care about him (in 'man-terms' I'm not sweating him) but inside I am sweating him. He says things like, 'If I asked you on a date would you go?' Then, when I say yes, he doesn't ask me out! So basically, my question is, 'Should I pursue him or should I not?'Email to a Friend

Her view:

Dear Sweat Thang,

He is toying with you - one hundred percent. You should let this go and move on before you add humiliation to embarrassment. He is behaving very badly; why some people choose to behave this way is irrelevant. You, with your concerns and your angst, are only fueling him on. He is having quite a good laugh and dating all sorts of other girls.

You should get out of this little game as it will only bring you pain. Sure you like him, but he is not a nice guy and seems to have serious issues. You should act as if you have been dumped because you have. Just move on with no regrets. I think it's safe to put this thing behind you now.

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His view:

Dear Sweat Thang,

It depends on what your definition of 'pursue' is. What would you call, for example, the games that you've been playing the last few weeks? Was that just the preliminaries to the hunt? Maybe not... After all, you did bag him from the beginning.

Does 'pursue' mean you'll continue playing along with him? Where do you think that is going to go? You may think he is playing with you to find out how you really feel. I think he's doing it because he's too much of a wimp to admit he likes you, too.

You're both too proud to progress into a normal relationship. You both feel safer playing games than saying how you feel. How strong can your feelings be for this guy? How much are you really sweating him, if you'd rather preserve a mistaken sense of dignity than admit you like him?

I don't think the issue is about pursuing or not. What you really have to decide is whether or not you want to give up the high ground and stop trying to be as cocky as him.

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