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Parallax - Advice

November 26, 2001

Blinded by love?

Dear Conversely,

Ask us a Question!My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly ten months. For the first six months, it was entirely one-sided...mine. He constantly ran over me and I let him, but then I finally got fed up and broke it off while he was away. A month later, when he returned home, he was completely different. All of a sudden he actually wanted me. However, since then, we've done nothing but fight and make up…fight and make up. I love this man (and I know he loves me, too), but it seems like some higher force is keeping us apart and it's impossible for us to get along. There's little trust on his part, and I want more time with him. According to our signs, we're not compatible, but should I listen to that or go with my heart? Should I stay in the misery of fighting or live in the misery of being without him? It's a constant battle - a daily battle - and it's beginning to be very unhealthy. Help. I need some good-hearted, old-fashioned advice. Email to a Friend

Her view:

Dear Seesaw,

Take a break. First, I should tell you that the whole signs gig is quite foolish and irrelevant. As to your bad relationship, you require some time apart or a good counselor. Daily battle, a relationship does not make. Spend a month apart and see if you can find your way back.

The natural tendency is to fear you will both be gone by then...but you won't. It is one month apart to think, reflect, and miss each other. It's a time to figure out if you are happier apart or together...a separation period that might tell you that you are, in fact, happier without your pugilist.

And if this is so, then it is what should be. I think it's likely that a month apart will provide a nice shock to the current doomed dynamic. You need to break what has clearly become a very bad pattern, one way or another.

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His view:

Dear Seesaw,

It is clear that you need help on several fronts. I won't even go into the 'according to our signs' crock, except to say that something is very wrong when your horoscope is the only sensible-sounding information in your question.

Let's begin with his return home as a 'completely different' man. There's no trust on his part, and all you want is more time with him. How is that different from an entirely one-sided relationship? It's time to discard the illusion that he changed, or that the relationship is now balanced.

Next, I'm unclear as to the particular attraction of your cycle of fighting and making-up. You wonder about your 'misery of fighting and misery of being without him'? Come on. I think you have a learning issue. A common one, surely, but that doesn't make it any good.

And it's not an inability to learn; it's an inability to make a decision and stick with it. It's also known as lack of willpower, to put it nicely.

My favorite, however, is your notion that a higher force is keeping you apart. I hope you are joking. There's no up-above trying to separate you and your beloved. If anything, there's a lower force - namely yourselves - trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

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