December 10, 2001

Unrequited Love

Love is wonderful, unless it's not reciprocated; love is beautiful, unless it's not returned. As Charlie Brown pined, 'Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.' This week, three people are tormented by broken hearts, broken promises, and unspoken desires. Will they find happiness in their present pursuits? Our love seers look into their crystal balls.

Dear Conversely,

I have fallen in love with a woman who I consider to be my best friend. We've known each other for years, but lost contact a couple years ago. Recently, I searched endlessly for her, found her, and was welcomed back into her life. Our spirits are from the same mold, and I feel that if we were to make a go at a relationship we'd be perfect for each other. We know everything there is to know about each other...including likes, dislikes, wants, needs, etc. We have watched each other move from one unhappy relationship to the next, and have always talked about what was right or wrong with each. Based on this information, I feel that I could be her everything and vice versa. I've always adored her from a distance and am now ready to tell her how I feel about her but I haven't, because she is currently (unhappily) married. I want to be there for her as a friend, but I don't know that it would be appropriate to express my feelings and I don't know that she has the same feelings for me. Could you give me some insight as to what might be the best course of action or inaction?

Dear Boyfriend,

I'd tell her - it might be just the impetus she needs to ditch her source of current unhappiness. She won't fault you for that, and she may feel the same way for you. If that is the case, she will then have to work out the husband factor and perhaps the two of you can give it a go.

You have been friends long enough, you really care for her, and I think she'll be receptive to a conversation about it. I'm sure she has thought of it, too, especially if you have such a great dynamic.

Tread carefully and don't push too hard; try to dance around the topic a bit, but do tell her your feelings. The worst that can happen is that you'll have to say, 'Oh well...' if your affection is unrequited. And in this circumstance she has the perfect out to let you down lightly if she chooses. She can say, 'In another time and place, but I'm married...'

This is a built-in excuse so your friendship can continue just fine, even if she has no romantic feelings for you.

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Dear Boyfriend,

Do it, but have low expectations. Tell her, but know that the odds are heavily against you.

She will instinctively reject you, and she will probably re-reject you once she thinks about it. Why? Because she's married. Unless she's a wimp, she will try to salvage a bad marriage rather than jump onto the first lifeboat she sees - no matter how trustworthy it is.

Confess your feelings, yet realize that this will probably destroy your friendship or put it on ice for a long time. She will hesitate to share any further intimate details of her love life, lest you take anything as a sign that could mean something to you - directly or indirectly - in secret code or in plain English. She will reduce contact with you, and it will kill her to do so, but you'll have left her no choice.

Do it...because if you don't, you'll never be able to move on and look for another person. You need this rejection. You can't afford (in fact, no one can) to place your love life in suspended animation while you wait for someone else's alarm to ring.

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8% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 92% with HIS VIEW.

0% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 100% with HIS VIEW.

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