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Parallax - Advice

April 15, 2002

The Wrong One

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The desperate quest for love finds many people modifying their search parameters when the going gets tough. 'I'm not looking for Mr. Right,' the sweet young thang quipped. 'I'm looking for Mr. Right-place-at-the-right-time.' Ah, but the right time is fleeting, and some relationships are just not meant to be. This week, we meet three people who are searching for love in all the wrong places—and settling for all the wrong faces. Can our advisors d'amour extricate them from their liaisons and steer them in the right direction?

Dull breakup.
Lonely make up?
 Date: 04/15/02

Mom steps in.
Boyfriend steps out.
 Date: 04/15/02

He's crazy about her.
She's plain crazy.
 Date: 04/15/02

More from last week...

Dull breakup

Dear Conversely,

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My boyfriend and I broke up: I initiated it after things just turned dull. Now we both miss each other, although we both know we aren't meant for each other. I can't help being a romantic and I want to work things out. He says I don't challenge him, but also says I'm not boring. What can I do to challenge him?

Her view:

Dear Challenger,

Let's see, you broke up with him because you found him insipid. Now he finds you unchallenging, and all of a sudden you want him back—you want to present a challenge.

Girlie, this is classic and you need to let him go. The only reason things were so bad when you broke up is because you were lonely. You need to get through a little bit of loneliness to move on to something better.

Easier said than done, I know. It will be painful for a bit, and you'll spend many nights wishing you had not ended things—boring will start to look quite good. The biggest challenge you can offer him is to get out there and excite you. No worries, he'll fail like he has before; he's just not for you.

Waste no more time and move along.

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His view:

Dear Challenger,

Your boyfriend is right. You could be the most exciting girlfriend in the world and still not challenge him. Challenging someone is about seeing through their BS and keeping them on their toes. It's about not letting your boyfriend slack off; pushing him to dream and excel in those dreams; opening up new vistas; teaching, recognizing his potential and helping him realize it.

Someone who challenges you is a person you admire and respect and look up to. I'm not talking about the person who wants to change you from a nerd into a pom-pom queen...or the diamond-in-the-rough into a princess. In other words, I'm not talking about the person who takes you on as a project and wants to shape you into their image of what you could be.

Having said that, I don't think you can 'learn' to challenge someone; you either have it, or you don't. In this case, it appears you don't.

You said it yourself—you both know you are not meant for each other.

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You Vote! 43% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 57% with HIS VIEW.

67% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 33% with HIS VIEW.

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