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Parallax - Advice

July 08, 2002

Lose the lover

Dear Conversely,

Ask us a Question!Long story short—I fell in love with this guy the second time we met. We talked for an hour and I felt very strongly that he was in love with me. However, he may have problems with women: His mother appears to be controlling; he just broke up with his girlfriend of two years; and he may be manic-depressive. He also withdrew from me after I refused to partake in his chosen mode of relaxation (not legal, but very popular with college boys.) He says getting away from people is something he does frequently, but I'm kicking myself wondering if I did anything terribly wrong. He told me I was one of those 'good girls...different from any women he's had in his life.' Why would a guy give signs that you're his soul mate one minute and be emotionally tortured and distant the next minute? Email to a Friend

Her view:

Dear Good-girl,

This is a train wreck waiting to happen. First, he just broke up with said girlfriend and is, no doubt, rebounding. Second, he's got crazy mood swings that cause him to say all sorts of nonsense in the heat of the moment. And third, he is trying to push you into 'relaxation' use.

This one is obviously not your soul mate and probably quite a pain. Believe me, after your second date, he was not connecting with you in that soul mate way, nor were you really in love with him. You probably just thought he was an enormous 'hottie' and were extremely attracted to him. That's often confused with love, early on.

Take some space, let him get over his girlfriend and let him go out with girls who are more in synch with his interests. This guy is not for you and you are wasting time writing about him and pondering his motives.

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His view:

Dear Good-girl,

You are asking the wrong question about your dear Dr. Love / Mr. High. Forget about why he transforms...why he sends mixed signals. Are you a psychologist? Are you looking to cure him?

The right question is, 'Why are you torturing yourself with him?' Is it because he broke up with his old girl for you? Are you secretly attracted to men who may have personality disorders? Or is it because you are in love with him?

You may be in love with one side of the guy, but it doesn't appear you care too much for the immature, affected side of him. It may be romantic to think you fell in love at first sight, but you either fall in love with all of him or you just play silly games in your mind.

Long story short—stop kicking yourself (not very productive), give him some time to figure out his issues and find yourself someone a little more mature. If you really love him, this may be the best thing for him too.

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You Vote! 43% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 57% with HIS VIEW.

67% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 33% with HIS VIEW.

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