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Parallax - Advice

August 05, 2002

Ms Psyche?

Dear Conversely,

Ask us a Question!My fiancée seems to be crazy. She has problems communicating and often puts words in my mouth. She seems to always be a 'victim' of something abusive I've done to her. For example, if I say, 'It's a nice day; maybe the neighbor will want to throw the ball around,' she hears, 'It's a crappy day and I don't want to spend time with you.' In the heat of battle she's expressed a low opinion of me; she has also expressed this opinion to her friends. I've tried to end the relationship, but she always clings and wants to work things out. I love her, but I believe she has mental problems and her unwillingness to honestly deal with them makes working things out impossible. Her demeanor has affected the quality of my life, as well as that of those close to me, including my father, and my son from a previous marriage. I don't know what to do. I want to end our relationship, but between her clinginess and my chicken-shit ability, I don't know how. I don't want to leave her alone in this world with her attitude and mental problems. Ideally, I would like to live a good life with her, but I don't see this as a reality. Email to a Friend

Her view:

Dear Gutless,

I think you should make counseling a mandatory part of your relationship.

Explain what you have written here and tell her you are very worried. Tell her the only way to keep you is to spend some time in counseling—either independently or together. If she is unwilling to agree to this request, you have no choice but to take a break.

It might actually be good for her; she can then decide where you fit into her life. She may also work on some realistic expectations for how couples should behave. You certainly are going nowhere now, save headed for life in a downward, unpleasant spiral.

If you love each other, some time apart might help her realize that you are serious about improving things. The status quo is not acceptable.

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His view:

Dear Gutless,

Sometimes people just have to put their miserable situations down on paper to get a sense of where they are. Take yourself, for example. Look at what you wrote. Here's a question for you: Can you find one positive thing in that long paragraph about your fiancée?

No? None?

But there must be something you like about her, right? I mean, you do say you love her. Perhaps—this is just a guess—you like the fact that she needs you. The fact that she clings and doesn't allow you to leave. It's nice to feel wanted that way. It's nice to feel you make such a big difference in someone's life. It's sooooo nice that sometimes you even start thinking that person could not possibly survive without you. Oh no. How could she? Not with all those mental problems. And that attitude? Impossible.

Oh, and if you left her, she'd be all alone in this world! Who else could she turn to? She has probably alienated and pissed off everyone else in the country. Now she has only you. You, you, you.

Here's another question: Who's more important to you: Miss Congeniality or your son?

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You Vote! 12% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 88% with HIS VIEW.

33% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 67% with HIS VIEW.

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