August 19, 2002

Sink or Swim

'Love many, trust few and always paddle your own canoe.' Great advice, if you have a canoe and know how to use it. Unfortunately, the three guys who wrote in this week for advice are all up their respective creeks without paddles. Not only that, but their combined naivety (or blind stupidity) almost makes one want to summon the gene pool lifeguards. Our resident gurus throw out the lifelines.

Dear Conversely,

I have been in a relationship for almost three years and my girlfriend is not interested in sex anymore. This has been on and off for the past eighteen months. She says it's not me, and that she is still attracted to me, but every time I try to start something she always turns over and has an excuse as to why she doesn't feel like it. I have no idea what to do.

Dear Sexless,

I have news for you buddy. She is, in fact, not attracted to you. Or she has a real physical or emotional issue—like abuse, for example. You need to get past this. A year and a half sans encounter is more a friendship than a dating relationship.

Bring out the 'seeing other people' suggestion and see how that goes over. When she screams with objection, explain that you would like to have sex. While you understand she is not up for it, you would like to partake is such an activity, and this requires a new venue.

See how that goes over. Maybe it will spur a conversation about what it is really going on because you do need to get to the bottom of this.

You cannot go on indefinitely in such a relationship.

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Dear Sexless,

I like your girlfriend's approach to problem solving. Such virtuous communication skills. It's a wonder she hasn't written a book about it. And you, too, have contributed so much to the solution by letting things continue like this for eighteen months.

You may want to try a new tack. This is going to sound bold, but extreme cases call for extreme measures. It's called, 'confronting the problem.' It's called, 'don't let her turn over and fall asleep with the excuse of the day.'

If she's serious about the relationship, and has any degree of respect for you, she should understand that she needs to work with you on this—whatever the ultimate cause of the problem may be.

But don't rush it; ease into it. You may want to wait another six to twelve months before you try it. I mean, there doesn't seem to be any hurry, right?

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