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Parallax - Advice

August 19, 2002

The real secret

Dear Conversely,

Ask us a Question!Is it alright for couples to hold back secrets from each other? Such as, my friend made a pass at my girlfriend, and six months later she tells me about it. Is she trying to start something? What should I do because now I don't trust her? Email to a Friend

Her view:

Dear Miffed,

I don't believe in such secrets, but your girlie probably had the noble cause of not wanting to wreck a friendship. You really can't blame her for that. This is one of those areas that couples can go either way, and the logic on both sides is clear.

Having said that, you have a preference and so does she. So, you need to come to an agreement on how these types of occurrences will be handled.

You need to have it out and set some ground rules and then both of you need to play along with what you've decided—no exceptions.

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His view:

Dear Miffed,

In her defense, I can imagine several reasons why she would have held back on you. She may have wanted to protect your friend, and your friendship with him. It may have been a drunken pass that he regretted, and she saw no reason to convene the International Criminal Court to look into the matter. Or, she may have been fearful that you would blame her, and decided that it was better left unsaid. She may have panicked and not known what to do. Then, as each day passed, it made it more difficult to explain.

I'm not sure what you think your girlfriend is trying to start. Do you mean she's now brought out the secret so as to make you feel bad? Or start a fight? Or initiate a breakup?

I agree she should have told you upfront. So tell her. Tell her you'd like to hear about any future passes your excellent friends make at her, as soon as they happen. And then go have a talk with your friend. He's the one I'd be worried about.

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