Featured Artist

Parallax - Advice

September 09, 2002

She's as pure as snow

Dear Conversely,

Ask us a Question!How much should the past of your current partner matter? I am a twenty-two-year-old college student who has been dating a great twenty-three-year-old man for nine months. Before we were together, I asked him important questions, and he lied to me (because he says he was scared of how I would react.) Later, when we were together and things began to unravel, he told me the truth. He says when he was drunk, he cheated on his longtime girlfriend of two-and-a-half years (no sex, though); he lost his virginity to a prostitute when he was fifteen and saw prostitutes about three more times; in High School, he was in a relationship with a woman who was below his standards, for no other reason but sex; and he had a few make-out sessions with people he just met. These were the skeletons in his closet. For months, I was filled with constant worry about whether to trust this man and give him a chance. Now, things are going fairly well, but once in a while a little voice in my head gives me doubt. Can people change, entirely? Can my once wild, compromising boyfriend become a man who values our relationship? Email to a Friend

Her view:

Dear Miss Perfect,

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. This answers your question fully. Your guy has kept his true self from you because his true self is not, in fact, desirable. This allows him to keep you. His core is his core is his core. And his core is not good.

Are you really sure this is an acquisition you want to make? He does come with that core. This charming engaging boyfriend cannot be separated from his core—ever. Said core may not surface in the beginning of your relationship because he is infatuated and happy with you. But should your relationship go astray or have difficulty, he will revert to his core persona. This is the foundation of who he is and it will always play default. So, you are dating a cheater, and someone who uses people for sex. If that is acceptable to you then there is no issue.

To answer your question, 'Can people change entirely?' The practical answer is, 'No, they cannot—very clearly.' He can try to meet your needs, but he will never really be himself. His newfound behavior will be that of a guy who is playing a role to keep you.

This is not your Prince Charming, I promise. I would tell you to run, but you'll need to see for yourself unfortunately. I hope it doesn't take you too long.

Back to TopAsk Us

His view:

Dear Miss Perfect,

Holy %$$#^$%!!!

Dear God! He dated a girl just for the sex? He cheated? Horrid! He slept with a prostitute?!? When he was a tremendously-mature fifteen? Inconceivable! And then make-out sessions with women he just met? Filth! This man is filth! No wonder he lied to you.

Wait...he lied to you? Even worse!

You are living with the Devil Incarnate!

Save yourself. Save yourself soon! Buy some holy water, a silver bullet...keep a crucifix under the bed. Be very, very careful.

Proceed if you must, but only at your own risk. People do change, some say. Hmmm. Who knows? I've even heard that scum with similar deviant pasts like your 'great man' (i.e., the majority of the male population) manage to become caring and devoted husbands. But who knows...

Back to TopAsk Us

You Vote!

You Vote! 27% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 73% with HIS VIEW.

0% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 100% with HIS VIEW.

You Vote! Do you agree more with HER VIEW or HIS?

Are you... Female or Male?

Post your view

Search Archives

Email to a Friend


Main    Ask Us a Question    Express Advice    Archives

Magazine    Gallery    Advice    Forum    Home

Copyright 2000 - 2018 Conversely, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Contact Us.
Designated trademarks and brands are the property of their respective owners.
Use of this Site constitutes acceptance of the Terms and Conditions and Privacy Policy.