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Parallax - Advice

December 2, 2002

Trust Accounts

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Mama always said, 'Trust no one but you. You can lose things; they are replaceable. But if you lose trust, you lose everything.' This week's letter writers would probably agree with her. Number one doesn't trust his girlfriend; number two doesn't trust her instincts; and number three doesn't trust her heart. Our trusting team has plenty of advice.

Trust her?
 Date: 12/02/02

Blinded by love.
Or bedded by booze?
 Date: 12/02/02

Together in body.
Confused at heart.
 Date: 12/02/02

More from last week...

Trust her?

Dear Conversely,

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My girlfriend was cheating on me with our former roommate. Since moving out, he still calls. She will refuse to speak to him if I'm around, but I found out she did speak with him after denying doing so. She says that she is unable to be mean to him. Should I be worried?

Her view:

Dear Mr. Mean,

Yes. If she cheated with him before, the groundwork has already been laid to cheat with him again. Should she be so inclined, that is the first place she will turn. Are you sure you really want a girlfriend who not only cheats on you, but also keeps in touch with her paramour? It's not a great setup. And cheating is one of those things in a relationship that takes a long time to go away—if it ever does.

I recommend an ultimatum—nobody's favorite outcome—but I'm guessing that's the stage you're at. She should send her cheating partner a little email explaining that it's a bit inappropriate for her to keep in touch (being that the two of them were involved in an extreme transgression) as it compromises her current relationship.

If she fights you on this, I think it's clear that it's only a matter of time until she cheats again.

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His view:

Dear Mr. Mean,

Yes, you should be worried. Mainly about turning yourself into Mr. Doormat.

She needs to make up her mind, and she hasn't. At this point, it appears she cares more about his feelings than yours. That can't be good. Not when we're talking about a person who she cheated with. It's not like you are complaining about any old male acquaintance.

You already forgave her for cheating—good for you. Now it's time to show her how to develop her mean streak.

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