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Parallax - Advice

February 10, 2003

Cell phones & pictures

Dear Conversely,

Ask us a Question!My boyfriend of two years has lied and cheated on me in the past (I found women's phone numbers, a picture and condoms in his car). Recently, I looked in his cell phone and called several women whose numbers were listed. I respectfully told them that I was his girlfriend and asked as to the nature of their friendships with him. My boyfriend was so infuriated that he broke up with me. Now he says I violated his privacy. He says he can't be with me unless I apologize to him and vow to change. Do you think what I did was wrong? Should I apologize? He claimed these women were friends and past girlfriends, but I've never heard of any of them. Please advise. Email to a Friend


Her view:

Dear Ms Dial,

This is as clear as it gets—run. Your scoundrel is lying and trying the oldest trick in the book to get you on the defensive and beg to have him back. He is a cheater; it is completely obvious.

He is embarrassed to have been caught, because that never looks good, so he has thrown a tantrum. But he has done you a favor by leaving, instead of begging your forgiveness. It makes your decision easier.

Let him go completely, and move on to a real boyfriend who doesn't call all these women and keep in touch with ex-girlfriends. People who keep closely in touch with ex's are never good bets anyway—there's always potential for a slip-up. And many times, it is their way of keeping options readily available.

I'm sure you deserve a much better relationship than one that will keep you snooping and wondering all the time. By the way, your little violation of his privacy is the only way you would have discovered his cheating. He wouldn't care about your snooping if he had nothing to hide.

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His view:

Dear Ms Dial,

I think what you did is wrong, stupid and immature.

If you don't trust your boyfriend... if he has lied and cheated in the past... then why the Hell are you still with him? What exactly were you trying to achieve by calling all these women in his address book? Wasn't it enough to just find all those numbers? Did you actually think that telling them to stay away would fix a problem that obviously resides in your boyfriend's pants?

Unless you're in a soap opera, or you are fifteen years old, you don't fix a bad relationship by spying on your partner and invading his privacy.

What you should do is forget him, and thank your luck that he took the initiative and broke up with you (because it doesn't look like you would have ever taken that step). Then spend a few months thinking about how to deal with the insecurities that allow you to put up with a guy who cheats and lies.

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You Vote! 43% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 57% with HIS VIEW.

38% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 62% with HIS VIEW.

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