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February 10, 2003

An affair to remember?

Dear Conversely,

Ask us a Question!Seven months ago, I began an affair with my deceased ex-husband's married friend. I really care for this man—and I would even venture to say I love him—but things are now getting hectic. His wife, whom I have never met, found out about us and called my house (she found my number in his cell phone). Yet he continues to say we are fated to be together. What should I do? Email to a Friend

Her view:

Dear Lover-girl,

Well, if you would like to play the role of the home-wrecker, make a full court press to win over your new boyfriend. If you would like to feign some integrity, step aside until your cheater can sort things out with his wife. He will either get divorced—irrespective of your relationship—and be available to you, or go back to his wife and leave you in the cold.

Frankly, your choice of words is interesting. What you describe as a hectic situation with bothersome calls is probably heart wrenching for his current wife. It's difficult not to be selfish, but honestly, this woman is fighting for her marriage, and all you can do is ponder the level of interest of your new boyfriend.

By the way, his intentions are that of cheating, in case that was lost on you. The only justice would be, if tomorrow, the current wife met the man of her dreams and voluntarily removed herself from the whole sordid situation.

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His view:

Dear Lover-girl,

What you do depends on what you want. If all you're looking for is an affair, then you have to learn to deal with the issues that accompany such activities, like prying wives and hectic lives. I'm guessing, however, that you want more. You're in love, and you want more.

Assuming this is the case, you may want to give him time to take the next step on his own. You've played your part in plunging his marriage into chaos, but the last thing you want is for him to leave his wife because of you. That's a huge burden on you, and your potential future relationship—fated or not.

If he leaves his wife and ends his marriage for his own reasons (e.g., the marriage wasn't working, he is not in love, he is chronically unhappy), then that gives you both a much better chance to have a real relationship.

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