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Parallax - Advice

June 9, 2003

Boys Will Be Boys

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Boys will be boys? Who are we kidding? Some boys will grow up and act responsible and do the right thing. Others will remain in a juvenile state of mind for many years after boyhood ends. They will continue to be immature and self-centered and they will do stupid things. This week, meet three members of the latter group. Our patient purveyors of advice issue reality checks. Ouch!

Virgin territory?
He wants to explore.
 Date: 06/09/03

The girl of his dreams.
The man of her nightmares!
 Date: 06/09/03

Dumped and dumber?
 Date: 06/09/03

More from last week...

Virgin territory?

Dear Conversely,

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My boyfriend was a virgin when I met him, but I wasn't. We have been together for almost two years and it still bothers him that he hasn't 'experienced' anyone but me. I couldn't handle him having a one-night stand, just to see what it is like. What do I do?

Her view:

Dear Experienced,

It is not in your court. Frankly, if your boyfriend were head-over-heels in love with you, cravings for other samples would not be insidiously lurking.

Your guy is telling you he'd like a look-see into the mysteries of other naked women. Why? Because this would make you even, given your prior relationships with other men. Is he looking to make sure your sample size is equal? What happens when he evens the score on people with whom you've had sex? Does he then need to even the score on the number of people you've kissed? Maybe you'll get to kiss some extra boys out of this—that could be a benefit.

Unfortunately, over time, your one-woman fellow will find a way to satisfy his curiosity. I suggest one of two courses. You both agree that these ideas end now, or you break-up. A parting of ways will allow time for new relationships. Perhaps you will both decide that ending it is for the best. Or perhaps you will pine for each other the whole time and decide it was a stupid mistake, noting the endless inferiority of others.

But you should pick a side. Don't do the 'let's sleep around but still be together' waffle.

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His view:

Dear Experienced,

His lack of a more diverse experience must really bother him, if he keeps mentioning it. It's not like you can do anything about it. Or is he possibly expecting you to grant him permission to fool around? Men can be so bold, or so stupid, depending on your viewpoint.

You might try convincing him that he has it too good with you to give it up. After all, growing intimacy and mutual knowledge usually make for better sex. Any exploration on his part—a one-night stand in particular—is more likely to be disastrous than fantastic.

But the undeniable fact is that he is not going to take your word for it. And why would you want him to, anyway? Better to find a guy without that particular hang-up.

Sooner or later, your boyfriend's curiosity is going to get the best of him. Make it clear to him now what the trade-off will be when that happens.

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