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Parallax - Advice

June 9, 2003

The girl of his dreams

Dear Conversely,

Ask us a Question!I went out with the girl of my dreams, but I committed many mistakes (mostly lying). Even when we were friends I lied to her. I asked for her forgiveness and she slowly started to forgive me, but then I was a jerk. Now she is avoiding me. Is there anyway to repair this and spark her interest again? Or at least become really good friends? Email to a Friend

Her view:

Dear Miserable Failure,

Sadly, no. You've let the 'I really suck' cat out of the bag and women just detest that. I'm sure my ever-optimistic colleague will advise that you have all sorts of hope and it simply depends on your ability to find the right variety of flower. However, he is quite wrong. Women sniff out bad character qualities like little hounds.

I'm afraid the friend option has been tarnished. If you were dating her, you'd be entertaining her on some level, and cognitive dissonance could get her through a rationalization of sorts. Your inability to provide value is much more visible in a friendship situation.

Why would she want a friend who cannot be trusted?

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His view:

Dear Miserable Failure,

At this point it might be a good idea to step on her and spit in her face, so as to make the possibility of recovering her really, really unlikely. In other words, unless you're the last eligible guy in the county, your chances of regaining her interest are as good as the odds of finding yourself another dream girl.

Rather than focusing on trying to get her back, you should spend some time asking yourself why you behaved like a jerk and why you lied to her. If those were mistakes born of inexperience—or of disbelief in finding such a prize within your grasp—then make sure you don't repeat them.

If the reasons are more pernicious (e.g., lack of self-confidence or self-loathing), it's better to acknowledge them now and try to fix them before the next miracle woman shows up on your front step.

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