July 28, 2003

Misery Loves Company

An old proverb says, 'A good man is hard to find.' That line could be the motto for this week's writers who were wondering about the men in their lives. After reading these letters, there's very little left to wonder. Suffice to say—with the proverb in mind—all three should keep looking. Our opinionated duo is unusually harmonious.

Dear Conversely,

I recently found out that, just before I married my husband eight months ago, he contacted his ex in an attempt to get back together with her. She told him to get lost. There are other issues but this one hurts the most. He also cheated on me with another ex while we were dating. I am thinking about a divorce because I do not feel our marriage is real.

Dear Unreal,

I hate to encourage divorce but this relationship is clearly unilateral. Basically, your husband is pursuing all other options to see if he can 'trade-up' or trade sideways with a former relationship, as the case may be.

He has revealed his true intention towards you, which is to get out of this marriage as quickly as possible. He is lining up a new relationship so that his transition will be a smooth one and he will never be left alone. This will only make your transition all the more painful.

At least if you exit now, you segue on some of your own terms. Your husband's behavior clearly violates the idea of a marriage—or at least one with you. Move along swiftly and preemptively end it before he pushes you out the door with a crowbar.

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Dear Unreal,

It's not clear whether you only found out about him cheating with his ex before or after you said, 'I do.' But it sounds like you probably knew beforehand and there were symptoms that you willingly ignored as you were marching down the aisle.

Caveat emptor. Your marriage is as real as they come. Perhaps what hurts most now is to realize that you made a mistake—that you should never have accepted that ring. That you should never have imagined yourself happily married, as any person is prone or maybe even entitled to do.

Divorce him, yes, and undo your mistake. He appears incorrigible. Play the victim, too, if you wish. But acknowledge—if only to yourself—that it wasn't just bad luck. You chose not to see, not to believe and not to act when there still was time.

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33% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 67% with HIS VIEW.

25% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 75% with HIS VIEW.

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