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Parallax - Advice

July 28, 2003

Perfect for each other?

Dear Conversely,

Ask us a Question!My boyfriend and I are perfect for each other. We get along famously, go to church together, are attracted to each other, give each other space and integrate our friends into our relationship. But he has a lot going on and I apparently distract him. He is very confused with life and I am getting in the way of him taking time to figure things out. He wants to take a break—not to date other people but to see what life has in store for him. He goes on active duty next year and is afraid of leaving me. He is the first man I have ever thought of loving and I don't know what to make of this whole thing. How am I supposed to deal with this? Please help me; I am so hurt and confused. Email to a Friend

Her view:

Dear Confused,

Taking a break in a relationship is never a good sign. The distraction accusation could mean one of 500 things, so I wouldn't ponder it too much.

He has asked for a break and you have no way around that. You'll have to allow him the time he needs to sort out his issues. It may be better for your relationship in the long run if he's just having some trouble and needs some downtime.

Your only additional option is to break up with him completely. You give him too high praise for me to believe you will just walk. Set a timeframe, and parameters of the break that you can both accept, and see if that meets his needs.

If at the end of the break he is still seeking more time away from you, it's a sign the relationship has reached an end for him, and you are not important enough in his life.

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His view:

Dear Confused,

You are not alone. Every day across this wide and beautiful land, thousands of young men wake up with an itch—the same itch, all of them. And they will either scratch it now or they will scratch it later but, make no mistake, scratch it they will.

There is only one thing to do: let him go.

Hurt and confused? Welcome to the real world. Look at it this way. The last thing you want is for him to wake up a year from now and realize that, because of you, he missed out on something. He'll hold that grudge for a long time and it will asphyxiate your relationship.

Silver lining? Yes, from what you say, it appears to me that he is the kind of guy who will run out of steam faster than others. Who will more rapidly realize the trade-off he's made in order to go sow his oats.

But don't make it easy for him. If he steps out that door, he should know that he ain't going to find you waiting by the phone when the big bad loneliness hits him on the third day of his Tour of Duty.

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You Vote! 17% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 83% with HIS VIEW.

67% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 33% with HIS VIEW.

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