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Parallax - Advice

August 25, 2003

SEX + NO SLEEP

Dear Conversely,

Ask us a Question!I recently began dating a guy I knew when I was fourteen. At that time, he had just immigrated and didn't speak English, so I broke up with him due to a 'communication barrier' and didn't see him again until two months ago. We are now twenty-three. He got divorced four months ago and when we first met he was really distant. We'd hang out and talk for hours, and then he'd disappear for weeks. Last month, we slept together a few times without sex, but when we finally had sex it was so lovely it could make you cry. We spent two nights together; it was DEEP—very personal details shared and everything. Then he never called. Okay, he called once, a few days later, but he never answered his phone and never returned my calls. Three weeks later he calls, saying he lost his phone. Three days later, and he has not called back. He's spending a lot of time at his friend's house on my street. Is this so I'll be reminded of him? I'm very hurt because we shared so much. Is this a simple case of him getting the goods? Is this a divorce issue? Is it because I broke up with him? WHAT? Email to a Friend


Her view:

Dear Mystery,

Poor American women. Always wooed by any sort of accent or familiarity with the ways of mysterious international cultures. You have been slept with and left. Very plain. Very predictable. But with a foreign accent—and that's worth something.

I'm sure you both had a lovely time. And, yes, I'm certain he is fabulous. I'll bet it was all quite enchanting at the moment. But it has ended. He does not care for you. He may not have even connected with you for longer than sixty seconds. But this is no longer relevant.

By the way, the 'I've lost my phone' excuse is about as outrageous as it can get and you are foolish for even thinking it is plausible. I'm surprised he didn't say the dog ate his phone.

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His view:

Dear Mystery,

It is likely that the truth is a combination of all those reasons. Take the recent divorce and all its attendant confusion and hurt, add your own shared history, and the bottom line is that—whether he intended it or not—you've become a rebound girl.

Maybe if you had been wiser, more patient, less attentive, more attuned to the signs he was blasting out like a hundred megawatt radio tower, you could have avoided this fate. As it is, your best recourse now is to learn from the experience and move on.

Make a note of this rule of thumb for future reference: recently divorced = not ideal for DEEP relationship.

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