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Parallax - Advice

October 20, 2003

Communication Skills

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Isn't it amazing how two people can relate a story but you'd never know they were talking about the same thing? In fact, based on their observations, it's hard to believe they are relating similar experiences. That's the focus of our relationship letters this week. Just think 'not a clue' or 'a step away from reality' and you'll be right on target. Our communicative advisors discuss options.

Two dates to true love?
Two nothing!
 Date: 10/20/03

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The graduate.
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Time for a ring.
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More advice...

Two dates to true love

Dear Conversely,

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There's a woman I am madly in love with and she won't return my phone calls. I've gone on two dates with her and both were really good. We laughed and drank and she looked like she was having a nice time, but when I asked if we could do it again, she made up all these excuses. I don't know if she's playing hard to get or all that rules crap. I hope not, but if she is, what should I do?

Her view:

Dear Madly,

First of all, after two dates, you are madly 'in like.' So stop the melodramatics. Secondly, 'the rules' say she should agree to make another date with you and then be very coy about scheduling—not negate you altogether. So she has missed a key point if her goal is to win at 'the rules' rather than have a boyfriend.

Let us take a closer look at these dates. Perhaps she had a fine time on your dates, but could it be that you are not as suave as you think you are? Could it be that you had a couple of very nice but not amazing dates? Perhaps she has had better dates? Now I know this seems very low in probability, but even you must believe that it is possible.

Give her some room to mull. Do not continuously beg her for scraps of time. Give her a call in a few weeks and ask if she'd like to have coffee? Make it simple.

If she is still not interested, there is nothing wily in her communication. She simply doesn't like you.

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His view:

Dear Madly,

Let's put 'the rules' aside for a moment and analyze the situation.

One goes on a date and thinks, 'If she had a good time, she would probably like to have another good time in the not-too-distant future.'

Then one discovers that a good time does not equate a next time. Why? Mainly, because life isn't fair. But also because having a good time with you doesn't imply that she wants a relationship with you. You may lack certain attributes that she is seeking. For example, you are witty and know how to enjoy yourself, but you have no job or no hair or no shared interests.

If you assume the woman is logical, then you should recognize her lack of interest in a follow-up rendezvous as a sign of her lack of interest in you. If the woman is not logical...if she is, for example, an avid reader and follower of 'the rules'...then you might guess that she is very interested in you. So interested, in fact, that she has convinced herself the best way to demonstrate it is by playing hard-to-get.

That's the good news. The bad news is that she has also demonstrated terrible judgment and a tendency to be easily swayed (at best) by questionable advice.

In either case, forget about her, and stop pestering her.

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You Vote! 62% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 38% with HIS VIEW.

67% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 33% with HIS VIEW.

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