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Parallax - Advice

December 15, 2003

A moving dilemma?

Dear Conversely,

Ask us a Question! My husband and I have been happily married for six years with no major problems, no loss of interest—none of the things that everyone predicts—until now. Now, he has suddenly decided he wants to move us to another city. He has a good job but I know he is not very happy there. He thinks he needs a big change and wants to look for work in another city. I'm afraid of a big change—not just because it's scary to leave your job with the economy the way it is and not just because all our friends are here—but also because I feel unsure of whether I want to go. I know we are a couple, but some part of me rebels against the idea of doing everything together, and I think we should stay here. I don't know if I love him enough to leave everything here. Some days I am so depressed about the way I feel because I don't want to feel like this. He already suspects something is wrong but I haven't been able to talk to him because I don't know what to say. Please help me. Email to a Friend

Her view:

Dear Packing-it-in,

First, a move is not the huge trauma you have created in your head. It is simply another city, and while it will take some time to rebuild friendships and identify your favorite grocery store, there is happiness to be found. My guess is that you too would enjoy your new city once settled in. It may even become a fun adventure.

Second, you are, in fact, a couple, and need to come to a solution that optimizes your happiness in aggregate. There is no reason your husband should continue to work in a job that makes him unhappy, simply so you do not have to endure the upset of a city change. That is not fair, nor is it the idea behind marriage.

You should be candid with your husband about your fears. Work on them together and be open to change. You really cannot think of only yourself in this situation, which is what you are doing.

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His view:

Dear Packing-it-in,

A move to another city, especially after you have been living in the same place for a long time, is not a minor decision. It's a monumental change for someone with roots as deep as yours seem to be.

You think that because your reaction to the move is so negative, your love for your husband must not be as strong as you imagined. Perhaps you dreamed that LOVE would make all your married decisions simpler...that LOVE would ultimately help you see the light.

Don't blame love. Just because it clouded your judgment when you first started falling for him (even, perhaps, when you decided to get married) don't expect it to keep getting in the way of rational decision making.

Sure, love should play a role in your decision, as should your commitment to him. But love isn't going to make it easy to call the movers, to say goodbye to all your friends or to change your life because he wants to try something new.

Besides, it sounds like he's just toying with an idea. Already, you're questioning your love and wondering if you married the right person. Get a hold of yourself. It's just an idea he's voiced. He probably won't seriously consider it without having you on board.

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You Vote! 44% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 56% with HIS VIEW.

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