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Parallax - Advice

February 2, 2004

Miss Used

Dear Conversely,

Ask us a Question! I have been talking to this guy for about a year and a half and have been sleeping with him for about six months. He says he doesn't want a girlfriend but he calls me late at night to come over to his house to sleep with him. One week he'll tell his friends that he really likes me, thinks I'm pretty and he's sleeping with me. The next week, he'll say he's not even attracted to me. All my friends say they think he really likes me, but I'm confused. Sometimes I feel used. When we're out he talks about other girls, and tells me a girl wants him or says another girl is 'hot stuff.' I think, if he liked me, he wouldn't be talking about other girls when I'm around. I don't know what to do. How can I tell if he likes me and if he will ever be with me? Email to a Friend

Her view:

Dear Sleeping with the Enemy,

Dump him. He is a player and a jerk. He is merely shopping around to find the hottest booty. Some days that is you; other days, the market presents better options.

You are obviously emotionally invested and, regardless of the outcome, you will get hurt. He will never provide you with the committed relationship you seek. He will, however, provide an irritating roller coaster that will eventually leave you filled with self-doubt and low self-esteem. Bail while you're not too attached and be cavalier about it. Just say, 'Sorry, see ya later.'

Now, one caveat. As soon as you ditch your prince (who is using you for sex), your value to him will increase. After all, you have rejected him, and this will make you more alluring. He will think he missed something in his assessment of you...missed some little feature, perhaps. And as such he will want you back.

Be warned. As soon as he figures out that he can have you, he will start cruising once again, to see if he can do better.

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His view:

Dear Sleeping with the Enemy,

If an elephant came and sat on you, would you notice? It is hard—very hard—to believe that six months into this 'relationship' you still believe this guy has any intention other than to use you for sex.

But let's assume for a moment that you are as nave as you sound. The answers to your questions are:

1) Yes, he likes you, though not the way you think. He likes you because you are sexually attractive to him and because you don't seem to realize or care that he's using you.

2) No, he will never actually be with you. And trust me, it's for the best.

How much longer do you want to be insulted and stepped on? And where, pray tell, did you find such insightful friends?

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