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Parallax - Advice

March 15, 2004

Sob Stories

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Isn't love grand? Two people meet. Fall in love. Plan to be together forever and ever. That's the story, right? Wrong! Two people meet. Fall in love. Plan to be together forever and ever. Then, along comes...someone else. Two's company; three's a crowd. Our advisors d'amour do their math.

Playing the blues.
Time to change the tune.
 Date: 03/01/04

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Not fooling anyone.
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Texas hospitality?
L.A. confidential.
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More advice...

Playing the blues

Dear Conversely,

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Mine is yet another variant of the old 'my girlfriend of two years slept with my best friend' story, but there's icing on the cake. He was the one friend in whom I was confiding (I thought he could give me advice to sort it out) and they did it a week before Christmas while I was gigging (I'm a musician). Although I gave them both walking papers (immediately for the weasel; later for her, as I really loved her), a year later, I am frying in my own raging fat. I'm angry and weary of both dating and making new friends. Do you have any advice on how to get back into dating and shake off the rust?

Her view:

Dear Out-of-tune,

This is hard, but just let it go. They are getting the better of you. Your story is as old as time and it has happened to millions of people. You are not some sad little victim who has been irreparably violated. You just had a bad ending to a relationship you would have preferred to continue. And so has everyone, frankly.

So lighten up, grow up, suck it up and move on. You can ruin your life, live alone and 'fry in your own fat' forever, or you can start dating.

Girls dig a guy who is committed to being loving and faithful. It sounds as though you fall in that category and therefore, would attract a plethora of suitors. The musician thing alone will get you plenty of attention.

Stop freaking out and just schedule some dinners. Start with three dinners and see how it goes. My guess is that you'll have a nice time and within six months you'll have a new girlfriend who is not interested in cheating.

Do not fret. The turmoil of best-friend-stealing-girl happens only once in a lifetime, so you've had your turn. Time to move on, find a new girl and find some happiness. Suffering is over-rated.

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His view:

Dear Out-of-tune,

A year, believe it or not, is not necessarily a long time. A double whammy like this one will take its sweet time healing. Rushing it, just because you're tired of being friendless and dateless, won't always work.

You don't want to be the guy who's just looking for someone to listen to his sob story or the guy who wants revenge so badly he'll hurt the first person he meets. Don't go dating if you're still a wounded, suspicious and frightened man.

However, at some point, you have to take a break from being so angry and admit to yourself that your mishap was the result of a very unlikely combination of factors. There was a luckless coincidence (your ex and your best friend hit it off), the two people involved were a pair of lowlifes and you were naivé. You can't do anything about the former, you know not everyone will be as low and the latter issue is something you can control.

Figure out why you didn't see it coming and learn from the lesson. Write a song about the bitch, if you need to lash out at her. Anger can be a pretty useful emotion if you know how to handle it and take advantage of it.

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