The Obvious      January 10, 2005

We all know that love—or perceived love—can cause otherwise-rational human beings to be oblivious to the truth. We've seen people 'in love' create their own distorted realties, where the solutions are obvious to everyone but themselves. Which is what we see in this week's trio of letters. Aware that 'love is blind', our insightful advisors restate the obvious.

Waiting for Mr. Never...
...in Never Never Land.

Wake up!
Let him R.I.P.

Sugar Daddy syndrome?
A high price to pay.

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Waiting for Mr. Never

Dear Conversely,

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I'm twenty-seven and have been with my forty-six year old boyfriend for three and a half years. Together we have a two-year old child and I have a seven-year-old from a previous relationship. I adore my boyfriend. But when I ask if he wants us to live together he makes excuses or starts arguments and says we aren't ready. How do you know when it is time to move in? How do I know if he wants this relationship to go to the next level?

Her view:

Dear Waiting,

Hello!! You have a child together, but wonder whether your relationship is ready to move to the next level of co-habitation? You ask about his hedging and wonder if perhaps it's too soon or he isn't ready? Clearly it is way too late for such musings. You are past the 'move in', past married and past child; you are now contemplating a divorce of the relationship.

In case the obvious has you vexed, this boyfriend of yours is not exactly committed. You are dating and have a child, but the 'move in' cannot gain traction.

I'm sure you don't relish the thought of a being a single mom, but in case you haven't noticed, you already are. This guy is not committed to you, your relationship or your child and frankly, at forty-six, he sounds like a child.

The question for you is, 'Would your life be simpler, happier and easier without this nonsense?' You are very young...way too young to be dating a forty-six year old, I might add. You could have a shot at meeting someone else and start a real relationship. My advice is to take it.

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His view:

Dear Waiting,

One reasonably good sign that it is time to 'move in' is when your partner enthusiastically and unequivocally agrees to your proposal. If he makes excuses and arguments, then—as far as he is concerned—moving in is a terrible idea.

It is also safe to assume that if he doesn't want to move in, he may be pretty skeptical of other relationship-progressing measures such as getting engaged, getting married or living happily ever after. All of which our readers will find quite ironic (though the irony seems to have escaped you), given the fact that your man had no problem creating a new person together with you.

You would think that, given such a bold step, he would be more willing to advance the other aspects of the relationship to the same extent that he has the childbearing.

However, at forty-six, he doesn't appear to be the kind of man who has all his priorities in order. This means that, as far as any next level is concerned, you're probably out of luck. (Unless, of course, you want to have another kid with him—he may be all for that.)

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You Vote!

You Vote! 58% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 42% with HIS VIEW.

33% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 67% with HIS VIEW.

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