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Parallax - Advice

April 4, 2005

The $5000 question

Dear Conversely,

Ask us a Question! I've known my friend Jamie for ten years. We're both twenty-two and I've had a huge crush on her since grade seven, when we went out together for six months. We're like best friends but I'm always the one who calls her. She doesn't call and it seems she's talking to a different guy every other day. I want to say something to her but I don't want to get shut down, or worse, lose her friendship. She wants a $5,000 engagement ring. I want to buy it for her—just for kicks, but I also want to be with her and really show her how I feel. What should I do? Email to a Friend


Her view:

Dear Ringbearer,

First, I don't think engagement ring shopping makes any sense. As I understand your situation, you are not dating and she never calls you. These are two large barriers to getting married. So, let's drop that notion.

Let's focus on the fact that you have not been open with your feelings. She may not be aware of your longings. Or she may have already guessed, which may be the reason she doesn't call—a tactic to take you off that track. But for argument's sake, let's assume she is clueless.

You say you love her so much that you want to buy her a ring. Thus, you have no choice but to let the proverbial cat out of the bag. Let's get everything on the table. At a minimum, you'll get clarity, which will allow you to hold off on mailing the wedding invitations. Have a straight-up conversation. Tell her you have feelings, but also tell her you value her friendship and will understand if they are unrequited.

If they are unrequited, you will need to find a new girl quickly so that she is convinced you are not pining away for her and have moved on. This will allow you to sustain the friendship.

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His view:

Dear Ringbearer,

First, if you think buying $5,000 gifts—for kicks—is a good idea, you either have too much money for your own good or you need to grow up really fast, before you wake up and find yourself with an empty bank account.

Second, this friend of yours doesn't sound like the best of friends. She also doesn't sound like she has a crush on you. Then again, who knows? She may be hiding her tremendous desire for your love by never calling you, while at the same time calling every other guy she knows or doesn't know.

Third, stop pussyfooting around, stop going on about how you don't want to lose her 'friendship' and take a chance. Just don't do something completely brainless. Ask her out and tell her. Don't rely on gifts or props. You want to find out if she likes you. The proper way to do so is to stick your nose out and brace yourself for a slap in the face.

If she likes you, then you can start saving for the ring.

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You Vote! 36% of Women agree with HER VIEW and 64% with HIS VIEW.

33% of Men agree with HER VIEW and 67% with HIS VIEW.

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