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Parallax - Advice

October 17, 2005

And baby makes three?

Dear Conversely,

Ask us a Question! I have been with this guy for a year and a half and we have a baby together. He has been persistent in telling me to foresee a future without him. So, on my birthday, when he treated me to an expensive dinner and gave me a picture with our names in Chinese signed 'Friends forever, Love forever' I did not know what to make of it. I'm about to relocate for training and don't know what this relationship holds. I like him, but what is the best way to approach the separation? I feel this guy may have commitment phobias, as he has confessed having been treated badly by several women in the past. How should such a relationship be approached? Email to a Friend

Her view:

Dear Baby's Mom,

Treat such a relationship openly and honestly. It doesn't get more honest than having a baby so it's time for a candid conversation. Tell him what you envision and ask him if he is interested in the same path. If he says he needs time, doesn't know, blah, blah, blah, you need to evaluate what is best for you and your baby. He may never get there. Is that acceptable? You'd be dating indefinitely, yet have a baby.

My guess is that given the baby, the marriage at this point might be a nice follow-up. There are always other fish in the sea, so don't be nervous to go it alone for awhile if you feel this is not going well. Things have a way of working out if you take the right stand.

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His view:

Dear Baby's Mom,

Have you heard the expression 'grabbing at straws'? Well, the box is empty and you're coming up with air. You're trying to convince yourself that your hopeless situation is not hopeless...that your frog is hiding a prince somewhere...that the writing on the wall is not really there.

You should give up on your daydreams and focus on yourself and your baby. Stop trying to make excuses for this guy. The worst way to go about dealing with separation is leaving one foot behind. If the best this guy can offer is 'friends forever', then say goodbye to your friend and get on with your life.

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