Playing the Fool
November 1, 2002
Getting it all wrong
by Heather Kirk
 
 s my married lover spins another tale of why he couldn't follow through, I tell him I feel like such a fool. As always his words are sweet, tender and smooth. He reassures, 'You know deep in your heart that's not true.'  Yet what I really know as the truth in my deepest self is that, 'Yes,' as always, I'm playing the fool.
Accepting the newest excuse, with its thoughtful yet hollow apology, draws me into believing in more of his empty promises. Because my own words are true and my promises are good, I will plan my weekend, one more time, around a schedule that doesn't even exist.
That would be a strong indication of a fool.
 To think someone would be faithful to me when to be at my side he must make up more lies and break a wedding vow. Oh, what a fool. To request, expect, and think I deserve respect, while my own contribution to the relationship is predicated upon disrespect for his marriage, his wife and his kids. Yes, this also would be a fool.
To love and hate, to give to take, to pray for what's wrong, to want what can't be had, to become the nag that I've replaced, to ache inside with both desire and pain. Who is able to explain such a fool?
So once again I pass the buck: He's irresponsible and can't follow through. He's a cheat. He'll be the fall guy, the one to blame when the time comes to end this game.
I'll play the hero role to the hilt: faithful martyr, forgiving friend. Big surprise! He can't be what I want. Yet it was clear from the start that he wore a ring, and knowing that, I chose to partake.
Would I still want him if he could be all mine? Not really. It's just my pattern: I'm always playing the fool.
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